New Column!

Dear Obsolescent Pair of Headphones: I’m a lesbian about to be married to the love of my life. However, my sister doesn’t approve of our decision, and has refused to attend the wedding. Should I try to convince her to come, or brush her off?—Caitlyn R., Beaverton

Dear Caitlyn: Who the fuck cares? I mean… why is this even a problem? Invite her, disinvite her, whatever. Let me tell you what a problem is: A problem is watching your entire life—your entire identity—being erased from the planet and flushed down the goddamn toilet by those bastards at Apple and their newest masturbation device, the iPhone. When they chose not to include a headphone jack on the iPhone 7, they basically said, “Oh… sorry, ridiculously outdated technology.” (And they were being sarcastic, because they’re NOT sorry… like, at all.) “We won’t be needing you or your stupid cord anymore, because you’re OLD, and DUMB, and USELESS. Your services are no longer required, so why don’t you just fuck the fuck off, and strangle yourself with that moldy, fossilized cord.” That… THAT, my dear, is a fucking problem.

Dear Obsolescent Pair of Headphones: Due to rent increases, I’m being forced to move to an apartment that doesn’t allow pets. My ex-girlfriend said she would take my cat, but I hate my ex-girlfriend. Should I suck it up and give the cat to her, or frantically look for a different living arrangement?—Terrence J., Southeast Portland

Dear Terrence: Oh BOO HOO FUCKING HOO. I feel so terrible for you! You’re in danger of losing A CAT? I’m losing my entire reason for existence! Apple is like, “Oh! We’re sooooooo COURAGEOUS for removing the iPhone headphone jack. We’re sooooo COURAGEOUS for not giving one single shit about how our customers—or perfectly useful headphones—might feel! We’re just going to do whatever the fuck we want, and you can either like it or you can just fuck off and die, because your life, and everything you’ve ever done for us MEANS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING.” Umm… anyway. Yeah. Keep or lose the cat. I don’t know. I can’t deal with you right now.

Got a question for an obsolescent pair of headphones? Send it to “Ask an Obsolescent Pair of Headphones” c/o Walgreens’ electronic department.