Dear Saudi Mystical Orb,
Iโm the President of the United Statesโactually, the best president of the United Statesโeverybody agrees, nobody has been better than me. Like, ever. But this fake news Russia thing? Itโs a witch hunt, okay? Biggest witch hunt everโby far. And Iโm not even a witch! Itโs just another made-up story dreamed up by Democrats because they lost an election they should have wonโand lost it by millions, okay? Biggest loss ever. Embarrassing! Anyway, no collusion with the Russians, James Comey is a crazy nut job, and why are they coming after me and ignoring all the crimesโbig, BIG crimesโcommitted by Hillary and Obama? No politician in historyโand I say this with great suretyโhas been treated worse or more unfairly. And what about Obamacare? Itโs collapsing, right? Itโs dead, itโs dying. Death spiral! Everybody knows it, but why arenโt they worried about that? Thatโs not my question. Hereโs my question. Are you ready for it? Because itโs really, really great. O GREAT MYSTICAL SAUDI ORB… what does my future hold for me? Something good, right? Like, the entire world realizing Iโm not colludingโlike, AT ALLโwith the Russians, and that Iโm innocent… and the BEST at being innocent… and that the FAKE MEDIA is just making up stories because theyโre jealous that Iโm the best. And theyโre totally ignoring all the jobs Iโm creating! Jobs are rolling into this country! Coal miners! WORKING! Automobile workers! WORKING! Because of me! No other president has accomplished what I have. None! And Iโd get a lot more done if it werenโt for those corrupt circuit court judges. Not fair! And NAFTA is a disaster. Also not fair! Anyway… okay, hereโs my question, like, for real. O GREAT MYSTICAL SAUDI ORB… when are people going to start recognizing that Iโm great, and treating me fair? Because at this point, I am NOT being treated fairly, and in fact, no president has EVER been treated so UNFAIRLY, and besides….โDonald J. Trump, Washington, DC
The Mystical Saudi Orb Responds: Oh My God, will you SHUT THE FUCK UP?? Youโre the worst president ever, youโre totally colluding with the Russians and everybody knows it, your wife doesnโt love you, your golf game sucks, and in a few months youโll be impeached and imprisoned for 15 years after being convicted of various financial crimes as well as TREASON. Okay?!? Jesus Christ! Ugggnnnhh. Who let this guy in here??