New Column!

Dear Motorist Stuck on the Hawthorne Bridge for 45 Minutes: My parents are visiting Portland for the first time. Can you suggest any cool places to take them? —Janice R., Southeast Portland

GAAAAAHHHHH FUCKING GODDAMN TRAFFIC SHIT FUCK… MOVE!! (Honk! Honk!) MOVE YOUR GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT CAR!! (Honk!) YOU WANT SOME ADVICE? TELL YOUR PARENTS TO STAY AWAY FROM PORTLAND, UNLESS THEY WANT TO BE STUCK FOREVER IN A GODDAMN TRAFFIC SHITSHOW! (Hoooonk!) MOVE! MOVE ALREADY, YOU IDIOT!

Dear Motorist Stuck on the Hawthorne Bridge for 45 Minutes: I love my husband dearly, but he’s constantly interrupting me. He even interrupts when I point out his interruptions! How can I be expected…
—Donna W., Beaverton

(Hoooooooooonk! Honk! Honk! Hoooooooonk!) WHAT… WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PERSON DOING? DID YOU SEE THAT? HIS STUPID TRUCK ALMOST MERGED RIGHT INTO ME! NO SIGNAL, NO NOTHING! HEY! HEY DUMMY! YOU’RE NOT GONNA GET HOME ANY FASTER, DIM BULB!! OHHHH, OF COURSE! HE’S FROM CALIFORNIA. HEY DIPSTICK! YOU’RE THE REASON WE’RE ALL STUCK IN TRAFFIC, MORON!! (Honk! Honk! Honk!)

Dear Motorist Stuck on the Hawthorne Bridge for 45 Minutes: There’s a woman at work who’s single, and we flirt occasionally. What’s the best way to ask her out without coming off like a creep? —Don B., Northwest Portland

OH GOD, KILL ME! I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE! I’M GOING INSANE, AND THE CITY DOESN’T CARE! THEY JUST KEEP CLOSING BRIDGES AND SHUTTING DOWN LANES, TRAPPING ME LIKE A RAT! AND THOSE BICYCLISTS, THEY JUST KEEP SPEEDING BY, SMIRKING! HEY! HEY, HIPSTER BIKE TRASH! YOU THINK YOU’RE HOT SNOT, DON’TCHA? WELL… WELL… (Sobs.) YOU’RE NOT. YOU’RE JUST… not. (Sobs.) And while you’re home kissing your probably hot girlfriend, I’ll still be here, rotting away on this bridge, missing my family and sipping on a crushed half-empty Capri Sun that’s been sitting in the backseat for a month. Please… Please, god. Just let me off this bri… HEY! HEY!!! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TRYING TO MERGE IN FRONT OF ME AGAIN?? FUCK (Honk!) YOU (Honk!), CALIFORNIA! (Honk!) FUCK (Honk! Honnnnnnnnk! HONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN—)