Are you currently experiencing symptoms of “Having Kids”? Then try the new pharmaceutical “Not Having Kids”—which apparently has been proven by doctors to be a good alternative to “Having Kids.” Watch the following ad and then ask your physician if “Not Having Kids” is right for you!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)