WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3
Today New York magazine published an excerpt from journalist Michael Wolff’s gossipy book, Fire and Fury, which allegedly takes an inside look at Trump’s White House… and ooh, it’s a doozy, with highlights including the fact Trump never expected to win (“The leitmotif for Trump about his own campaign was how crappy it was and how everybody involved in it was a loser”); that Trump’s former BFF, Steve Bannon the Hutt, deemed the campaign’s meetings with Russia “treasonous” and “unpatriotic”; that Trump eats Big Macs because he thinks they’re safe (“He had a longtime fear of being poisoned, one reason why he liked to eat at McDonald’s—nobody knew he was coming and the food was safely pre-made”); and that Ivanka is planning her own presidency (“The first woman president, Ivanka entertained, would not be Hillary Clinton; it would be Ivanka Trump”) and makes fun of her father’s hair (“The color, she would point out to comical effect, was from a product called Just for Men—the longer it was left on, the darker it got. Impatience resulted in Trump’s orange-blond hair color”). Phew—and that’s not even half of it! We left out the part about how Trump is believed to be “no more than semi-literate,” how he couldn’t pay attention when the Constitution was explained to him (“I got as far as the Fourth Amendment before his finger is pulling down on his lip and his eyes are rolling back in his head”), how Trump’s buddy Rupert Murdoch, kingpin of Fox News, considers him “a fucking idiot,” and how—when Trump unexpectedly won the presidency—he “looked as if he had seen a ghost,” while “Melania was in tears—and not of joy.” We’re certain everyone involved in this will respond in a mature, reasonable, and productive manner.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 4
“I authorized Zero access to White House (actually turned him down many times) for author of phony book,” President Trump impotently screeched on Twitter, referencing Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury. “I never spoke to him for book. Full of lies, misrepresentations and sources that don’t exist. Look at this guy’s past and watch what happens to him and Sloppy Steve!” Okay, two things about that: If Trump didn’t give Wolff access to the White House, why was he allowed inside almost every day for literally months? And if the book is phony, why isn’t Trump saying that “Sloppy Steve” Bannon’s quotes are phony as well? Oh, and third question: WHY ARE WE TRYING TO APPLY LOGIC TO SERIAL LIAR DONALD TRUMP? Ugh! Never mind! MEANWHILE… More Fire and Fury blowback! After the Trump administration tried to “cease and desist” Wolff’s book out of existence, publisher Henry Holt and Co. was like, “Mmm… okay, we hear what you’re saying, but instead we’re going to release the book five days earlier.” And so they did, and so it sold out within hours. A+ marketing, Trump team! MEANWHILE… In a clearly backward attempt to prove he’s mentally capable of performing his duties, Trump tweeted that contrary to what Wolff wrote, he’s actually “like, really smart” and a “very stable genius.” Well, that should satisfy anyone who’s witnessed Trump’s repeated batshit crazy actions. A+ marketing, Trump team! MEANWHILE… Later in the week, Business Insider reported that after being shut down during an interview with CNN’s Jake Tapper for not answering direct questions about the book, Trump’s senior suck-ass Stephen Miller had to be escorted out of the building by security after refusing to leave the studio. (They may not be “stable geniuses,” but Trump’s team are reverse-marketing Einsteins! PLEASE MAKE US FAMOUS TOO!!)