For 18 glorious years, the Mercury has proudly (?) published your most secret anonymous rants and confessions in our I, Anonymous column and blog. And more often than not? Things get really weird. That’s why we’ve collected some of the best, strangest, and most shocking I, Anonymous submissions ever printed for your masochistic pleasure. Enjoy!
(Psst! And here’s something else you’ll enjoy: The monthly I, Anonymous Show, in which Portland’s reigning funniest person Caitlin Weierhauser and a panel of hilarious comedians read these anonymous submissions aloud, then dissect them for your rib-tickling pleasure! Our next show is this coming Wednesday, June 13 at Curious Comedy Theater, so get your tickets now at merctickets.com! Hate laughing in crowds? Then download the I, Anonymous Podcast, which is the audio version of this very popular show, now available on iTunes, Spotify, and anywhere you find your fave podcasts. Want to read more I, Anonymous? You’ll find thousands of them at portlandmercury.com.)
Confessions of a PeeperIt was the night I moved into my new studio apartment. It was a pretty sweet setup—with floor-to-ceiling windows facing another building with floor-to-ceiling windows. As I unpacked, I looked out and spied an attractive heterosexual couple, naked, engaging in sexy activities. What’s this? Did I win the sex peeper lottery? I wasn’t getting internet installed for another week, so I figured, why not? I poured myself a glass of wine and sat by the window, like a creeper, watching. And they obviously wanted me to, right? Their shades were WIDE open. Anyway, I took a break to smoke a bowl during the BJ—because, boring—and also because the guy did that awful king-of-the-castle, hands-behind-his-head move. They continued their sexcapades occasionally. Once, they even had what looked like a light BDSM session, with a short kitty whip and blindfolds (she was whipping him, which I appreciated). But after a while, their sexcapades became less frequent. I was genuinely worried! Was their relationship okay? A few months later, they moved out. And now some boring guy who collects bonsai plants lives there. Let me tell you right now: NOT AS INTERESTING.—Anonymous
