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► In 2019, millions of out-of-state crows descend on Portland following success of new sitcom, Crowlandia.
► A typo in Paul Allen’s will accidentally bequeaths Portland Trail Blazers to sister’s dog McScribbits, a 14-year-old morbidly obese Puginese.
► Patriot Prayer’s Joey Gibson signs endorsement deal with Under Armour.
► Hall & Oates concert at Oregon Zoo haunted by ghost of baby elephant.
► Stanich’s burger joint remains closed, while everyone is still cool with Dave’s Killer Bread for some reason.
► Local man descends from high horse; decides not to share opinion on Twitter.