It’s that time of year again: Long-lost relatives and forgotten friends are sending out their annual “holiday form letters”—letting you know everything they’ve been up to over the past year! Even though you didn’t ask! Even though you don’t care!
As you may know, these whimsical updates have their own language. To help you better understand what they’re really saying, we’ve compiled the following guide. Ho! Ho! Ho! You’re welcome.
“Ben is loving his new role as a stay-at-home dad!” = Ben got fired, please send money.
“We’re lucky to have had so much time with him, and he made our lives so much brighter!” = Our dog got hit by a car because he bolted into the street like a goddamn moron.
“The best news is, of course, our family is about to get even bigger!” = Alyssa ignored every single safe-sex talk we had and got herself knocked up, which is going to make her sophomore year pretty difficult.
“Luckily, we managed to get away for a few days—to Hawai’i!” = We are richer than you, and we will always be richer than you.
“Grandpa Jerry’s spirits have never been higher, and the treatments are going great!” = Grandpa Jerry wants to die, but we won’t let him.