There’s a reason people despise “year-end retrospectives”—because they’re objectively BORING. Hey, music writers! Nobody cares about your dusty choices for “best album of the year.” (BTW, it’s Ariana Grande’s Sweetener or GTFO.) Hey, film critics! Same goes for your “best film” pick. (Not a single film starred Ariana Grande this year, so why are we even talking about this?) And hey, “respected” news organizations! No one wants to read about the top 10 horrible events of 2018, because we freaking LIVED IT, okay?!? (Besides, if your list doesn’t include the time I accidentally washed my white Ariana Grande muscle-tee with my red Ariana Grande crop top, you’re not much of a news organization, are you?)
That’s why I’m devoting this column to the only year-end retrospective that matters: Wm. Steven Humphrey’s most amazing accomplishments of 2018. We don’t hear enough about that, do we? You’re right, we don’t! (You’re so smart and attractive. Can you make me a hamburger?)
