Credit: FRONT COVER PHOTO BY YVETTE AISPURO. BACK COVER BY MATTHEW CHINWORTH. DOG BY DAMEDEESO / GETTY IMAGES

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FRONT COVER PHOTO BY YVETTE AISPURO. BACK COVER BY MATTHEW CHINWORTH. DOG BY DAMEDEESO / GETTY IMAGES

If you’re interested in a fast-paced, exciting business where people love yelling at you from the top of their lungs, may I suggest newspapering?

Don’t get me wrong—newspapering has been very good to me. Here are just a few of the perks I’ve received during my time at the Mercury: free coffee…. Okay, I literally just sat here for five minutes trying to think of anything else and couldn’t do it. OH, WAIT! Brushes with celebrities! Thanks to my newspapering connections, I’ve personally met movie star Sam Elliott, former O.J. Simpson pal Kato Kaelin, SNL’s Aidy Bryant, and a miniature donkey who nibbled at my crotch. Those were good times.

Otherwise? Newspapering usually involves writing a ton of stories and then sitting back as readers yell and shit all over your work. But here’s the thing: I don’t mind so much!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)