This extremely confusing report just in from the Portland Police Bureau. Apparently a couple hours a go, police responded to a report that around NW 19th and Couch, a man was walking around “stabbing things with a knife.” (What sort of things? WHO KNOWS? Just “things”!) So while looking for Mr. Stabbing Things, police then received notice of a Hispanic man chasing a black man through the neighborhood. (Maybe the black guy stabbed one of Mr. Hispanic man’s things? WE DON’T KNOW!) And, as it always seems to go, that’s when things got WEIRD:

Officers then got a report that a black male went into a mattress store at Northwest 11th and Glisan claiming that people were chasing him. Additional information was given that the man retrieved a hammer from the mattress store and hit one of the men chasing him in the hand.

I’m going to assume that the man stole the hammer from the mattress store, and it wasn’t given to him. Mattress stores shouldn’t just be giving out hammers willy-nilly. Anyway, I suppose everything turned out all right.

Officers located the suspect at Northwest 11th and Glisan and took him into custody. Officers have recovered the knife and the hammer.

So the hammer guy was also the “thing stabbing knife guy”? Or did they find the knife sticking out of something? OW!!! Okay, I’ve gotta stop thinking about this now. My head hurts.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

2 replies on “CRIMESVILLE: The Case of the “What is Going ON Here??””

  2. Is this possibly some kind of real-world session of Dungeons and Dragons, with mattress stores instead of magical caves? Or is it merely what it appears to be, a mash-up of the new version of Spider-Man with the twist ending of “Fight Club”?

Comments are closed.