For a lot of us Portlanders, there´s no hope. We realize we´re steeped in booze and depravity, and in fact--we like it that way. One thing we also like, though, is fun. Fun with drinks, fun with drugs, fun with our drunken, druggie friends, and fun at the expense of others. This section of our party issue is for you, naughty folk, who--with your limp, fermented brains--could use a few good ideas to make this party season INSANE.

Roofie Party

Nobody has tried this party yet, and if you did it you could probably win some awards at a film festival. All you need is a roofie, a couple of your most trusted friends, some straws, a white van, and a video camera. First of all, you and your most trusted friends draw straws. The person with the shortest straw has to take the roofie (he seems like the loser now, but he's actually the winner.) After he's unconscious, his most trusted friends throw him in the white van. They drive him around, putting him in all sorts of hilarious situations and filming them: they push him around in a shopping cart at Safeway, take him out for a drink at the Portland City Grill, or help him try on a new winter scarf at Saks. After a couple of hours, the trusted friends bring the roofed one back home and wait for him to regain consciousness. Once he comes to, the trusted friends play the videotape for him on a big television. This is about as close as you can get to time travel. The roofed one can't be embarrassed about anything, because he wasn't really "there." EJ

Porn Swap

There's an old saying that goes... "There's no porn like NEW porn." And I wholeheartedly agree. But NEW porn doesn't have to mean $49.95 and shrink wrap. NEW simply means you've never seen or masturbated to it. Invite a group of friends over, and tell everybody to bring any porno tapes, DVDs, magazines, or novels they're ready to part with. Have each horny guest put their materials in the porn container--a heavy duty garbage bag or a plastic storage container. The Porn Master (you) writes each guest a ticket for the number of items contributed, which will in turn be the number of porn pieces they can "pull out" of the container during the party's "climax." The idea is that they don't know what they'll be getting--which is hilarious when Joe Straight Boy yanks out the homo-rific Young Boners. Each guest then has the choice to keep what they got or trade with someone who has already "withdrawn"... further revealing just what your dirty friends are really into. MLS

ATF Party

Naturally, "ATF" stands for "Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms," which is a must for almost any party. We suggest liquor straight from the bottle, cheap Swisher Sweet cigars, and CO2 B-B pistols. It's also fun to dress up in hunting, military, or camouflage gear--which can actually be very sexy in the heat of the moment. The hosts should construct a wide array of inanimate targets (dishes, pictures of *N Sync, stuffed baby chicks, etc.) and string them all around the backyard, eventually resembling a shooting gallery. The rest should take care of itself. NOTE: Make sure your neighbors aren't around for this one. NOTE 2: If a friend owns a pneumatic nail gun, tell him to bring it! Dangerous, but totally awesome. WSH

Heckle Party

It seems no one appreciates a smart-ass anymore. And while "public heckling" is always encouraged at Mercury events, screaming out funny, coarse verbiage during a Michelle Pfeiffer movie is still unfairly frowned upon. That's why "heckling parties" are so much fun. It's incredibly freeing to be in the company of your funniest friends and heckle the shit out of some stupid movie or TV show. Plan your next heckling parties around the following events: political debates, episodes of the WB's North Shore, any award ceremony (Oscars, Emmys, etc), and public showings of any movie starring J.LO, John Travolta, Renée Zellweger, Tim Allen, and especially that bitch Michelle Pfeiffer. WSH

Blind Date Party

Have you ever seen The Ice Storm? Remember the key party scene? Well, this party idea is a less hardcore modification on that theme (you don't want your co-worker's boyfriend's genital warts after all). Everyone who shows up gets a number written on the back of their hand as they arrive. A bowl is then filled with numbers on pieces of paper, corresponding to the number of guests. Then, when things start getting boring, the host draws out two slips of paper, announcing the numbers and forming impromptu couples. Six and 11. Four and one. The corresponding "couples," be they girl-boy, boy-boy, or girl-girl then grab their coats and hit the town together for at least an hour, giving 'em plenty of quality time to get to know each other. After the hour is up, the "couples" filter back in and dish on their dates. It's like a rehearsal for daytime TV, with beer. MLS

Real Estate Scheme Party

Are you tired of your friends showing up to your parties, drinking all your booze, doing all your drugs, backing up your toilet with vomit, and then leaving you blacked out on the floor hugging one of your priceless artifacts (which they broke)? Well, now it's time for your revenge. Your next party should be a real estate scheme party, where you intimidate and confound your guests into turning land into cash (in your spare time!). If you have no real estate scheme of your own, you can borrow from one of the many snake-oil salesmen that pollute late night cable (or just try getting a book from the library). They can give you a program to turn unwanted properties into tens of thousands of dollars a month (in your spare time!), or your money back. Instead of booze, drugs, and dark corners to make out in, you supply chairs and flow charts that demonstrate each guest's untapped earning potential. To make things go smoothly, just remember the following: 1) Everyone likes money (even Communists). 2) This is not a pyramid scheme (or yeah, actually, it is). 3) You've made millions from this scheme (or you haven't). 4) If it works, you'll be making money hand over fist off your friends. If it doesn't, your old pals will never call you again, giving you tons of spare time to work on a better scheme. MB

Your Bachelorette Party

Who hasn't been disgusted by this sight: a blonde bimbo wearing a veil, surrounded by a gaggle of decidedly unattractive bridesmaids, whooping and hollering their way out of Barracuda's? Anybody who behaved like this normally would be cut off at the bar and picked up by the cops in minutes. What social passport gives these hussies the right to drunkenly careen through public streets, pissing off every bartender and late night hotel desk clerk in their path? I don't know--but I want in. A bachelorette party is cheap and easy. All you need is a white veil and a hotel room to trash. You don't even need any cash after that. Every single creep in town will be buying you and your friends drinks, thinking that you will fall over yourself to sleep with them on your "last night of freedom." Just make sure you wear a white veil. Any other color would probably get you shot when some hick mistakes you for a Muslim terrorist and tries to take you out in the name of the Patriot Act. MB

Convenience Store Potluck

Screw GHB and PCP. Let's get hopped up on MSG! This party is easy. Invite a big group of friends over to dine a la potluck, but restrict what comes in their "pots" to what they can assemble with items found at their local convenience store. Mmmmnnnn, Ding Dong Surprise or Corn Chip Lasagna... what amazing treats await. Oh look, Manu brought a bag of Skittles and a Mickey's Widemouth... how sweet! As the host, you should set up a card table where everyone can dispense their goodies and serve delicious PBR, Keystone Light, and Boones Farm Strawberry Hill as refreshments. If you really want your potluck to be a success, you should also provide "appetite stimulants" (HELLO! Pot!). MLS

Archery Party

ARCHERY! The sport of princes! ARCHERY! A game of skill and daring! ARCHERY! Shooting a very dangerous pointy stick at a target! Yes, "archery" is all these things and more, and yet? The sport of archery is practically ignored by the hip youth of today who would rather knit a fucking cap than shoot an arrow through an apple sitting on a drunk guy's head. That's why the Mercury wholeheartedly suggests hosting an "Indoor Archery Party" as your next shindig. Beginning archery sets are relatively inexpensive and can be purchased at most sporting goods stores. As for targets, I suggest cutting out pictures of celebrities or political figures you hate and tacking them to a mattress you lean against a wall. Then you want to stand at least 50 feet away, which means you'll probably be shooting from your bathroom, through the hallway, and into your living room. WARNING: Be sure to buy the less pointy arrows, and whenever you shoot an arrow inside at a crowded party, be sure to yell, "ARROW A-COMIN'!" WSH

Titty Tattoo Party

Let's see, you want to host a sexy party but your guests have been rightly heebed out by your invitations to toga, orgy, and "No Pants Friday!" parties. Okay, give titty tattoos a try! Buy a bunch of different colored (important!) soft-tip markers, and ask some of your female guests to draw "titty tattoos" on the males. Basically, you're using the areola and the nipple as the basis for your drawing; for example, the nipple makes a cute nose if you're doing a portrait of someone's face, or the areola could be the wheel of a racecar. Or perhaps a whimsical pig! The choices are endless! Anyway, sooner or later even the tight-ass ladies will loosen up and everyone will have their tops off--all in the name of "art" of course. WSH

A Get Even And Then Some Party

This party is great if you're interested in hair-pulling, crying, opening up old wounds, and getting some. The guest list should be short (eight?) and consist of former couples (for scoring's sake, the party should be exclusively straight or exclusively gay).

Particularly hostile exes naturally provide the most entertainment, but are also more difficult to arrange. Notify people that the humiliation and embarrassment will be indiscriminate--everyone should expect to be portrayed in a poor light. Then, let the angst and revenge begin. Each person has 10 minutes to sum up their failed relationship, adding information that others may find appealing/repulsive (e.g. "not only was he a cheating bastard, but he likes to be pissed on"). Consensus decides who the wronged party was in each couple--then everyone is free to get their revenge. 'Cuz what says "I'm over you" better than fucking your lying, cheating, asshole ex-boyfriend's best friend? WG

"Humiliate A Clown" Party

The following is one of those suggestions that no responsible journalist should ever make in a million years--sort of like printing instructions on how to make an atom bomb or crystal meth (both of which the Mercury has already published). On the other hand, our paper was founded on the motto: "Funny trumps cruel." So... here we go. Want to spice up your next party? Hire a clown! However, you should neglect to tell the clown that your guests will go out of their way to totally humiliate him. Unfortunately, the choices of humiliations are endless. But screaming at a clown is always funny, such as, "Tell a joke, CLOWN!" or "Give me your wristwatch, CLOWN!" or "Drop trousers, CLOWN!" And if you really want to freak a clown out, have everyone dress up and act like they're members of a murderous clown-killing cult! Woooo-wee! Watch old clowny run! HA-HA-HAAAAAA! Oh, come on. You know they deserve it... they're clowns! WSH