Saturday, May 14

UFOs--Is it really necessary to anally probe? Wouldn't a simple blood sample do? Come celebrate the 55th anniversary of McMinnville's UFO sighting and landing.

McMinnville's McMenamins Hotel, NE 3rd off Hwy 99, 10 am-8 pm

Thursday, May 19

MUSIC--It is about as easy to hold Hot Apple Pie to one genre of music as it is to saddle a wild horse. Yee-haw! From Cajun shuffling to R&B grooves to flat-out backcountry picking, Hot Apple Pie is a versatile and fun-loving foot stomp.

Duke's, Division at 146th, 9 pm, $6

Monday, May 23

MUSIC--An odd constellation of musical backgrounds combining C&W twang, uplifting gospel, and hard-rocking punk, Sugarland is a mule-kick of talent.

Duke's, Division at 146th, 9 pm, $12

June 2-12

ROSE FESTIVAL--Last year, a few of the carnies were dealing meth right near one of the rides! Whatever you're looking for--heart-stopping rides, deep-fried foods, or young girls in shorty shorts--the annual Rose Festival is like dying and going to hick heaven!

Waterfront Park,

June 8-11

SEAMEN--Whether you are trying to pick a fight with them or to fuck one, the Navy Boys bring fun to town during Fleet Week!

All around town! All hours! Free!

Saturday, June 11

SUPERSTAR--Reba McEntire is as tough as a steel-stringed guitar. For three decades, she has stayed relevant and lorded over the C&W charts. Playful, wistful, and with lungs as strong as an Oklahoma tornado.

Clark County Ampitheater, 7 pm, $30

Saturday, June 18

BULL'S BALLS--The rural folks in Washington (winky-wink) call them "cowboy caviar." But they are really BALLS! TESTICLES! No matter how you cook them, slice them and dice them. Check the Annual Cowboy festival, which includes a bull's balls cook-off.

Conconully, Washington, 100 miles northeast of Seattle,

Friday, June 24

FAST AND LOUD CARS--There's not much to understand: The car that squeals the loudest and moves the fastest from the starting line, wins! See how that's fun?

Portland International Raceway, Exit 306-B off I-5, 5 pm

Friday, June 24

C&W HEARTTHROB--Whether in a 10-gallon Stetson or a form-fitting wife beater, Kenny Chesney is the beefy-beef-cake. Oh, and he can sing as lovely as a mockingbird.

Rose Garden 7:30 pm, $49.50-59.50

Wednesday, June 29

MUSIC--Only 21 years old (and no longer jail bait), Miranda Lambert has had her share of heartbreak and bad luck--wandering boys, failed relationships, lame-ass lovers. Bold and downright beautiful, Lambert is one of the up-and-coming C&W stars.

Duke's, Division at 146th, 9 pm, $12

July 21-24

COUNTY FAIR--Complete with bull riding and monster trucks two-stories tall.

Linn County Fair, Albany, Oregon, I-5 south for about 80 miles

July 28-29

ANOTHER COUNTY'S FAIR--Washington County tries to outdo their neighbors with two days of prize pigs, carnival rides, and mullets.


August 12-13

OUTDOOR MUSIC--What exactly is the difference between a fiddle and a violin? From fiddles to steel-string guitars, KBOO presents its annual Pickathon, an all-day, all-night outdoor festival with the Northwest's best C&W, folk, and bluegrass bands.

Horning's Hideout, follow signs from Exit 57 off Hwy 26,

August 19-21

PICKING AND GRINNING--The annual Mt. Hood Bluegrass Festival makes hick music respectable for two days. Headliners Ohop Valley Boys were not only the winners at the International Bluegrass Showdown in Louisville, but they all have a full set of teeth!

Hood River County Fairgrounds,

September 9 -11

AIR SHOW--Tumbling and rolling and screaming through the air, the ass-kicking Thunderbirds return to Oregon's skies, along with a bunch of crappy, rickety bi-planes like Snoopy flew.

Hillsboro Air show, www.

September 14-17

RODEO--The largest rodeo this side of Hell's Canyon. Grab a little lady or hop onto a bucking bull; ride either one for eight seconds and win a prize!

Pendleton, west on I-84 for three hours, www.