The weekly Blogtown torture chamber continues, this week with Mercury music writer/astronomer/misanthrope Ned Lannamannaman. If you know anything about Ned, he’s a feckless passive/aggressive bastard who survives in the print industry primarily because of his unwillingness to do anything great. He hates any music that doesn’t include a banjo, and considers “people” a tiring, but necessary race put on this earth to administer handjobs and serve him pizza. If anyone—other than myself—deserves to be discomfortable, it’s him. That’s why he must be thrust into… THE DISCOMFORT ZONE. (Well, that, and it was his turn according to the calendar.)
The rules are simple: we do a half-hearted search for the most uncomfortable (for him) events of the week—with a few tossed in for good measure by Blogtown regulars—and then you vote on which event he has to attend and be discomforted by! Even worse, he has to write about it afterward—a task which, to him, is almost as uncomfortable as actually attending the event, because he is a writer who hates writing, and is therefore the perfect person to represent our dying industry.
OKAY! All that being said, here are Ned’s DISCOMFORT ZONE choices for YOU to vote on!
The All Stars Tour at the Roseland: An entire DAY of unequivocally shitty metalcore bands, starting at 1:30 in the afternoon, and continuing until the audience commits seppuku. Here’s one of the headliners, and if you can make it through 20 seconds of this, you deserve a million dollars. REMEMBER NED! NO DRINKING!
Mama Mia at the Keller Auditorium: This musical based on the songs of ABBA is so, so, so much worse than the actual songs of ABBA and will possibly make Ned’s head explode. I kind of like musicals, though, so maybe I should go with him and rub his thigh during the performance?
Josh Groban at the Rose Garden: Look up “bland” in the dictionary and you’ll see this guy. Josh will undoubtedly put on a painfully sleepy performance that will lull Ned into a discomfortable sleep. At which point I’ll sneak up behind him and slit his throat. Fun for me, not so fun for him.
Baby Woodstock at the Children’s Museum: Here’s one from Commenter Todd— a six-hour concert for KIDS (Ned despises children, of course), and here’s the description: “Dust off your dancing shoes and put those bell bottoms on, it’s time to celebrate our annual event, Baby Woodstock. Take in a great musical performance, make your own drum, and decorate your own reusable shopping bag.” HAHAHAHAAAA!!! Gross. Here’s a song from Baby Woodstock headliners, The Alphabeticians.
Street Busking: Here’s another Blogtownie suggestion I think is pretty good! Ned will have to spend at least two hours busking on the street downtown for money. That’s right, playing his guitar and singing songs (let’s say at Pioneer Square on Saturday afternoon), and if he happens to make any money (he won’t) it will be used buy us drinks at the next Blogtown meet up. Video proof of Ned performing must be provided and posted along with Discomfort Zone write up. He should also wear an odd hat. GET A REAL JOB, HIPPIE!
Get it? Got it? Good, let’s vote!
Street busking! I like blogtown meet-ups and drinks.
METAL SHOW.
The kiddie show won’t last long. The metal show is all day.
ALL DAY.
KIDDIE SHOW! Because he won’t have a kid! Other dads will ask him “So which one is yours?” and what will he say? “Ooo, I’m still trying to choose?”
Street Busking! He better wear a Boat Cop hat.
Since when is “no drinking” a rule? Nice try, Steve.
Busking for a couple hours? Way too easy! Showing up at an excruciating kiddy show and being glared at for six hours as a suspected perv…PRICELESS!
@4, I agree completely. I can check for a spare. But he’ll also need an excellent mustache and collection of rare cognac.
ALL DAY at the Metalcore show. No drinking. Dressed as Boat Cop’s gay sidekick “Cadet Cabin Boy”
Hearing Josh Groban on the radio makes me cringe, so I kinda thought having to endure a show with crazy fans would make me beyond uncomfortable.
He’ll have fun busking.
Wow, how’d you get that picture from Ron Swanson’s 8th grade formal?!
Ugh. I am not happy with Blogtown today. Busking for two hours over TEN HOURS of the crappiest metal you’ve ever heard?
There’s no escape. He’d be screwed, man! No naps or smart phone scrabble like he could at the kid show.
Oh well. If he’s going to busk, at least make him honor all back alley requests.
Why do these things get like 200 votes, but there are only like 15 commenters on Blogtown? Who are these fly-by Blogtown readers, and why are they too good to comment, huh?! You think you’re better than me??!!1!
I wish that the funny hat had been required for each event. That’s the only reason I voted for the busking. Funny hat at metal show would have been the best.
As someone who knows Ned quite well, I can say that he is not afraid of the “Baby Woodstock” event. Vote for busking. (Plus at lunch today he promised that if he had to busk he’d learn Santana’s “Smooth.”)
Ezra is lying. I didn’t promise to “learn” it. I ALREADY KNOW IT
If Ned busks on the street, wouldn’t this be more of a Discomfort Zone for the passers-by?
If there can’t be shit *in* the hat, can there at least be a rubber turd *on* the hat?
Not that I’m declaring defeat yet. My citadel has not been stormed.
I’m one of the .07% who voted for Mama Mia, but I’m sad I’m going to miss the busking, so someone vimeo that shit.
Suggestions:
1) I think an intern should have to raptly hippie dance in front of him, no matter what kind of music he’s playing.
2) Entire Repeating Playlist:
a) Cats in the Cradle – Harry Chapin
b) American Pie – Don McLean
c) 3 Little Pigs – Green Jelly
d) Ignition – Kellz
http://i.imgur.com/8HO6j.jpg
Yes Atomic. Let there be wailing sax solo.
I would have voted Mama Mia if I thought you were serious about the thigh rubbing.
If he gets kicked out of baby woodstock for not having a baby it will make the day that much more uncomfortable.
When an immovable object meets an unstoppable force, there’s nothing you can do about it.
It has been proven that being worse/more ghey than ABBA is in fact impossible. Hell, I doubt even Humphrey listens to them. Honestly I have yet to find ONE G/L person who will admit to liking them. I really think its more of a drag queen thing….hey, send Lanamman to a drag queen show. Bet he’d like it!
http://festaitalianaportland.shutterfly.co…
Shenanilannamannigans!
I think he should have to do an hour of busking AND an hour of the Alphabeticians, at the very least. And no future Discomfort Zone choices where possible free drinks/stuff/sex are offered. PAYOLA!