SHIT

The Oregon Liquor Control Commission just Tweeted a link to this online alcohol screening test, which will assess your drinking against the rest of the US population and try to help you figure out…well…

SHIT

  • SHIT

Fortunately, I got this answer back:

NO SHIT

  • NO SHIT

God bless the O’Douls! But then, on my bad days, I think I’m still what Roger Ebert would describe as a “white knuckle dry drunk.” For example, I am really looking forward to getting high at the dentist’s next week when they rip out my wisdom teeth. But. I filled out the survey based on my drinking habits at their peak, and was woefully informed that a whopping 12% of the adult male population drinks more than I used to. Can you top that? Pussy? Huh?

Matt Davis was news editor of the Mercury from 2009 to May 2010.

15 replies on “It’s Alcohol Awareness Month”

  1. Dear Mr. Davis,

    Let’s take our high-horses and have a parade! Isn’t tee-totaling way more fun than having fun? I know it sure as fuck is.

    Yours truly,

    Graham

    post-script: I filled out the survey based on my previous drinking habits. I scored a 12%, same as you. Apparently, drinking a bottle of wine six days a week puts you in that category.

  2. Yes. I think the best part of not drinking is getting to lord it over the drinkers. Like being an ex-smoker, only worse. Also: Judgment.

  3. I answered everything truthfully and the survey told me that while my average drinking didn’t pose many risks to my health (2 drinks 5 days a week, ~8 drinks 2 days a week), that some of my drinking could lead to problems.

    I went back and took it again after seeing Graham’s post as I never saw a percentage given, and after I took it again I still didn’t see one.

    Where did you see a percentage (12%), Graham?

  4. I played around with it a bit. It says you’re cool if you drink 6 cocktails in one sitting 2 times a week and there isn’t anything to worry about but it’s not cool if you drink 6 12 ounce beers in one sitting 3 times a week. I beg to differ with this survey.

  9. Okay, I scored a 10. Not so bad.

    But I kept going with the after questions, and I had to stop to laugh when I got to:

    Do you want to explore ways to quit using alcohol all together or to cut back on the amount of alcohol you drink?

    Options being:
    1. I would like to stop using alcohol all together
    2. I would like to cut back on my drinking

    I’m sorry, but I could not, in good conscience, advance beyond this question. It would require me to lie.

  10. I’m going to be building my “alcohol awareness” about a half hour from now, know-what-I’m-saying-over-here?! Right? Am I right?!

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