Sure, I could celebrate our country’s b-day by listening to actor John Wayne’s classic recitation of the poem “America: Why I Love Her”—but why the fuck would I want to do that? Especially when I can listen to a John Wayne impersonator doing his version of the poem, alongside poorly taken home photographs. Preferring the next best thing to the real thing: Now THAT’S “America,” pilgrim!

https://youtube.com/watch?v=uv_i4G_wQHs%26hl%3Den%26fs%3D1%26

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)