At the 12 second mark you will recoil in horror. At the 54 second mark, your sperm will dry up, or your ovaries will fall out of your vagina. At 1:47, your brain will follow your ovaries, and dash out into the middle of traffic in a panic. And at 2:39, all life on earth as we know it comes to a screeching halt. It was nice knowing you.
Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.) More by Wm. Steven Humphrey
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