Usually, I’m a person who likes people. But right now I’m in a craptastic, people-despising mood because I just witnessed two videos featuring my newest archnemeses, STARFISH HITLER and ASSHOLE PLAYING HIS BEARD. Now, instead of being happy and enjoying life, I have to decide who I hate more: Starfish Hitler or Asshole Playing His Beard. Maybe you can help.
Here’s Starfish Hitler. He’s a starfish that explodes and turns into Starfish Hitler. I was never a big fan of starfish, and I really don’t like Hitler—so I can’t say I’m pleased that science has genetically married the two. At least he’s getting his Nazi echinoderm ass kicked.
Then there’s Asshole Playing His Beard. You know… I’m done thinking about this. I hate this guy infinitely more than any permutation of Hitler. Please don’t watch the entire video, just skip around, and let the rage build inside of you until the perfect fantasy of shoving this asshole’s head (beard and all) into a wood chipper emerges.
Hat tips to Holy Taco and BuzzFeed.
I vote for Starfish Hitler!!!
He’s pure evil.
Besides there’s a little Asshole Playing His Beard inside all of us.