If I know you, you’re gearing up to smoke some crack this weekend. My advice? DON’T DO IT. Though you don’t have as much going for you as Eddie (the protagonist in this video), I’d still like to see you do something with your life. Like maybe finish that solar-powered boat?

No pizza in heaven, yo.
Halo tips to Everything is Terrible!

https://youtube.com/watch?v=HlqPyl3WOYs%26hl%3Den%26fs%3D1%26

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)