So you're sick of this election and praying to Saint Beyoncé that the president we welcome tomorrow is a pantsuit-clad overlady and not Jabba the Hutt? Me too! Here are a few things to do before you panic:
Vote. This one is obvious, but it's the most important. It's too late to send your ballot in the mail, so get thee to a drop box. You have until 8 pm tomorrow. Here's an official map of 24-hour drop boxes. You can also drop off your ballot at any Multnomah County Library DURING LIBRARY HOURS. (With the exception of the Central Library, which has a sweet 24-hour ballot/book return. TWO BIRDS!) Once you've voted, you can sign up to receive text messages about your ballot's journey, and find out when it's on its way to be counted. Also, please remember that while the specter of fascism is indeed frightening, there is more than one race on your ballot. Don't know where you stand on city council or selling wild animal parts? Consult our handy endorsement cheat-sheet. That's why we made it. Use it. Then VOTE. DOWN. BALLOT.
(Also! Don't come in here trying to sell me failed folksinger Jill Stein or Gary "the Geographer" Johnson. If you plan to vote for either of them, or to write in Bernie, that is between you and your god, but don't be sanctimonious about indirectly voting for Trump, which is what you're doing. Besides, your shouts will simply fall on the deaf, ignorant ears of a lifelong Hillary admirer who cries over Pantsuit Nation—I KNOW—and I want so much more than that for you. Also, I've already been called a "shill" like a million times this election season, and I'm sorry to say it's really lost its sting!)
Remind other people to vote. Take it from me: If you have election anxiety, it is better to channel it into a helpful action than to sit on the couch eating all the leftover Halloween candy and plotting the Canadian equivalent of a green-card marriage. It is a source of endless disappointment to me that I don't have relatives in any swing states, but maybe you do? Call up Grandma! Remind your one liberal cousin in North Carolina to get to the polls! Do you have a phone and a laptop? If you're worried about the presidential race, you can phonebank for the Clinton campaign in battleground states from the comfort of your couch. I know it's 2016 and everyone is afraid of human interaction, but GOTV efforts are honestly pretty easy and they can even be fun. I still beam with pride every time I remember the day I talked some undecided voters in New Hampshire into voting for Obama the weekend before the 2008 election. Now THAT's the art of the deal!
Make plans for tomorrow night. Watching election returns come in can be a scary and exhilarating experience and it's best done around other people and with easy access to booze and food. So put on your best pantsuit and get out to an election party! Specifically: Attend ours, where you can beat the shit out of a piñata of Donald Trump, and be among friends who can physically prop you up and freshen your drink when you inevitably start crying from joy or despair. (Because let's be real: There's going to be crying. There is ALWAYS crying in politics. There is a 100 percent chance I will be crying tomorrow night, like an elderly Cubs fan. Politics is my sports!)
In the meantime, get out your election scaries by listening to the playlist Music Editor Ciara Dolan and I put together to honor Hillary Rodham Clinton. It's cathartic as fuck, and features Le Tigre, Destiny's Child, TLC, Dolly Parton, Nicki Minaj, and Childbirth. Share it with every bad hombre and nasty woman you know!