Actually, we have two “Oh HELL No’s!” to share with you today, both concerning the rape of nostalgia. Our first example:
Lucky Charms to add new marshmallow charm to their cereal; a magical hourglass.
OH, HELL NO!
From WebWire:
For the first time in more than 10 years, Lucky the Leprechaun is adding a new permanent charm to his delicious Lucky Charms® cereal, a magical hourglass. The hourglass charm will join seven other signature charms and be just as powerful, giving Lucky the power to control time.
Mmm… excuse me, but aren’t leprechauns already imbued with magical powers? And isn’t it our job to steal Lucky’s marshmallow treats? Therefore, isn’t General Mills kind of giving us the “FUCK YOU” by giving Lucky the unfair advantage of controlling time? This way, we can steal Lucky’s charms, but he can travel back in time to stop us from stealing them in the first place. IT’S SCREWING WITH THE WHOLE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM, MAN!!
My second “Oh HELL No!” after the jump.
And look what they’re doing to Strawberry Shortcake!
OH, HELL NO!
From the New York Times:
Strawberry Shortcake was having an identity crisis. The “it” doll and cartoon star of the 1980s was just not connecting with modern girls. Too candy-obsessed. Too ditzy. Too fond of wearing bloomers.
So her owner, American Greetings Properties, worked for a year on what it calls a “fruit-forward” makeover. Strawberry Shortcake, part of a line of scented dolls, now prefers fresh fruit to gumdrops, appears to wear just a dab of lipstick (but no rouge), and spends her time chatting on a cellphone instead of brushing her calico cat, Custard.
“It’s also about creating a cohesive line,” Mr. Conrad said. “We’re downplaying characters that were part of Strawberry’s world but who didn’t immediately shout out fruit.”
I’m certain that’s not intended as a gay slur, but I’m going to take it that way. Regardless, this “fruiting-up” of Strawberry Shortcake is BULLSHIT—mainly because the new Strawberry Shortcake is making me have… feelings. In particular, “Roman Polanski feelings.”
Can’t she at least wear the granny bloomers?!
Well, at least they didn’t tart her up too much.
Looking at her gives you feelings for Roman Polanski? He’s an old guy now! Dude, that’s ill!
But if you talked the the judge nice enough maybe they’d let him come visit you.