As you may or may not have heard, the employees of the Mercury are currently obsessed with “tiny donkeys” (or “minidonks,” if you prefer). (I am not asking if this obsession is ethical or not—it just is.)

minidonk1_fs.jpg

Anyway, seeing as how we can’t seem to live without a tiny donkey, the employees have decided to chip in and buy a tiny donkey which we will keep the office. (Again, not asking about the ethicality of this decision.) We will feed it our food scraps (ethical question not here yet), and make sure it always wears a sombrero (not even close to being there yet). We may name it something like, “Country Music’s Toby Keith.” (Okay, here comes the ethical query!) But we do have one question we’ve been pondering… since “burrito” in Spanish literally means “tiny donkey”…

CAN WE ETHICALLY FEED A TINY DONKEY A BURRITO? (Isn’t that like cannibalism or something?)

Your opinions on this matter, as well as other names to call our tiny donkey, are welcome in the comments below.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

24 replies on “THE BLOGTOWN ETHICIST: A Tiny Donkey”

  1. I feel if you name it Toby Keith, people are just going to kick it in its soft parts until it dies, as that is most people’s initial impulse upon discovering something named Toby Keith is nearby.

    But yeah, feed it burritos. Make it a horrendously fat minidonk, and see if people can guess what kind of animal it is after it gains 200 pounds.

    “Mutant Rabbit?”
    “Did Olive fuck a horse while nobody was looking?”
    “Mutant Chinchilla?”
    “Something Steve shit?”

    I think it could be fun.

  3. I don’t know if that’s any better than “Toby Keith.” They’d probably sink a lot of sharp things into the side of it on reaction.

    “And this is our new Mercury Office Pet, Matt Davis.”
    *stab*
    *sklurch*
    *BRAY*
    *drip*

    *stabstabstabstabstabstabstabstab*

  5. Yes, flour tortillas wrapped around delicious carrots, squash and the tender flesh of his mother, whom you slaughtered and prepared in front of him. It will make him a fucking war machine.

    Accordingly, name him FUCKING WAR MACHINE.

  7. Dude, you got this all wrong. You dont feed him burritos. You make burritos out of the tiny donkey. Its kind of like a 4H thing. Raise the cute animal then slaughter it. But make sure he is free range or else it is not ethical.

  9. No, you feed burritos to normal donkeys. Therefore you have to find some sort of tiny burrito for a tiny donkey. A burrito-ito as it were.

    Also, don’t buy novelty pets. It encourages the creation of more tortured abominations. Look at the teacup poodle. LOOK AT IT!

  10. If you give a mouse a cookie, you end up with cute sweet-smelling mouse pellets, but if you feed a tiny donkey a burrito there’s explosive diarrhea in your future. More than you’d ever think that tiny bastard could produce. But if that’s your thing, go ahead…it’s perfectly ethical.

  20. I doubt if you can potty train a mini-donkey, so which intern (and I’m sure it will be an interns’ job) gets too clean up after it?

  23. Don’t have any names or any hats or any mini-petito-burritoitos, but can I have it when you’re all tired of it and wished you’d gotten a mini-komodo dragon instead? It’d look so great next to the fern in the living room.

  24. I am not sure if I should take this seriously, or if this yet another instance of you wacky upper middle class white kids using your trust fund on tha reefer. The only donkey I care about is the one I saw in American Eagle jeans….god goddamn she was fine….anyhow good luck with your petite donkey and whatever the hell you nerds do with it (I am calling PETA as a preemptive measure). If teh petite donkey haz issues adjusting, feel free to contact me as I am currently taking “vitamins” that are usually given to horsies. So on an Equine level I should be able to relate. Or at least lift a leg on you, whichever

Comments are closed.