So this morning, I was standing on top of a chair in my office to see if our malfunctioning heat was working when I slipped and fell. The chair flew out from under me, I fell on my ankle and wrist, and cracked my head against the wall. And then… I just laid there on the floor. Not because of the pain—it only kind of hurt. I laid there unmoving because I HAD FUCKING HAD IT. Thanks to circumstances that are FAR too boring to repeat, as well as falling off that chair, I had been utterly robbed of my will to live. So I just laid there. Unmoving. Defeated.
The sound of the fall caused Mercury Copy Chief Courtney Ferguson to rush in and ask, “Are you all right?”
“Actually, no, Courtney. I’m not all right,” I responded. “I’m laying here because there is no reason to ever get up.”
“Are you going to stay there?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“Oh…” she said, and quietly left.
About 30 seconds later, Courtney returned with a portable heater which she turned on and put next to me, before once again silently leaving the room.

THAT IS THE MILK OF HUMAN KINDNESS, PEOPLE!! And it was Courtney’s generous squirt of this milk that made me realize, YES, I CAN GET UP. YES. I CAN TRY AGAIN! YES! (Oh fuck, my ankle hurts! But it’s okay!) YES!!

Anyway, I think we can all learn a lot from Courtney and her overwhelming supply of milk. Thank you, Courtney. This video is for you. I did feel like this, and now I feel like this.


https://youtube.com/watch?v=z8ONeBGrFfI%26hl%3Den_US%26fs%3D1%26

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

11 replies on “Today’s Squirt of Human Kindness”

  1. OMG OMG OMG! I’m practicing that dance right now! Who wants to be on my team of coordinated gay back-up dancers, while I pretend to dance like my hero?

  6. There has to be a better way to describe Courtney’s act of kindness better than “a squirt of her milk.” Is this the kind of blatant sexual innuendo you people are exposed to every day?
    Are you all forced to “stroke” Steven with your story ideas and display for him “pelvic grinding” acts of intelligence?

    Anyway, that dance is amazing. Sort of Ed Grimley meets Herp Alpert. I’ll gladly submit my backup-dancer skills.

  9. So someone calling themselves “Two Squatting Women” is judging ME? (Now do you people realize why sometimes I just want to fall down off a chair and never get up?)

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