That’s right, folks, it’s Johnny Cash’s birthday! Which means, of course, we all need to have Johnny Cash-themed parties, experience drug and alcohol induced bouts of hysteria/rage/dissipation, and then bounce back with healthy, reformed, spiritually awakened attitudes to conclude the evening. My friends and I hosted one of these parties in college with great success, so I can help you out with the details:

1. Whiskey. I hardly think I need to elaborate.

2. Dress. Party goers should be encouraged to dress as the Man in Black, or as June Carter.

3. Pre-gaming. Ring of Fire (aka King’s Cup) is an excellent way to get the drunken ball rolling.

4. Name tags. At our college party we assigned everyone names like “Big Titty Huckabee” and “Bubba Lou Steamtank.” Needless to say, it was one of the better ideas we’ve had.

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5. Whiskey.

6. Amphetamines. Or tic tacs, if you prefer to be LAME (like me).

7. Prison. Just wouldn’t be right if at least someone didn’t end up in the slammer. Do what you can to ensure this happens.

8. Low talkin’. Everyone must talk real low and real slow. I got a kick out of it for like three hours the last time…. not sure it went over as well among the other guests. But just trust me – it’s great.

9. Whiskey.

And there you have it. You’re all set for a killer tribute to the greatest man of all time. Consider this a primer for Cash’d Out, the Cash tribute band that’ll be coming to Dante’s on May 8. Or if you can’t wait that long for some live Cash, Counterfeit Cash is a local acoustic tribute band that plays at The Nest (1801 NE Alberta) the first Friday of every month.

We love you, Johnny. Happy birthday.

11 replies on “A Time for Whiskey, a Time for Amphetamines”

  1. I like that in college you celebrated the myth of Johnny Cash and not the actual man that Johnny Cash was.

    Mr. Cash never went to prison. He was clean and sober for decades and decades. Dude didn’t even use painkillers after open heart surgery. Way more hardcore than even the most hardcore of the StraightEdge kids.

    But I guess college is a good time to do stupid shit and learn lie about American heroes.

    Also, were you aware that about 75% of Cash’s catalogue are spirituals and religious songs.

    GODAMN KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!

  4. @Joneser: Someday they’ll let me have posting priveleges on this here website. And then all the former interns will fact check me to oblivion. I think smirk will stab me at that point as well. Most likely with a rusty hypodermic needle.

  5. Didn’t you see Walk the Line? Yes, he cleaned up, but before he did the dude was addicted to amphetamines and barbiturates and supposedly “tried every drug there was to try.” Wikipedia wouldn’t lie! And although he never served a prison sentence, he was sent to jail seven times for misdemeanors, and he did a lot of prison shows, which is mostly what I was referencing.

    Besides, a straight-edge, no-one-goes-to-prison party is way more boring than the alternative.

  9. Ah but Ali, you’re focusing on the vaguely glamorous anti-hero that appears in Cash’s songwriting. Cash the man was this weird, awkward guy with some strange compulsions (I don’t think anyone really knows why he did all his prison shows, which is pretty fascinating).

    The best tribute to the man would be to show up somewhere wearing only one color, hunch forward in a chair, and tell the first person you see that you “like watching them talk”. Now THAT’S a party!

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