BLAZERS—When I was a kid, I’d load up EA’s Bulls vs. Blazers and the NBA Playoffs for the Sega Genesis and rewrite history; Terry Porter always scored 70 points a game, and Michael Jordan won nothing. Hopefully tonight, the real-life Bulls vs. Blazers will feature hardwood devastation on a similar level. BOBBY ROBERTS
Moda Center, 1 Center Court, 7:30 pm, $50-380, all ages
COMEDY—Breaking! Just as we suspected, the war on Christmas is real, and (extremely funny) sketch comedy troupe the Third Floor is leading the charge in War on Christmas, with “bullwhipped mall Santas, a washed-up Grinch, Bigfoots, nude ghosts, cocaine gift exchanges, sexy Mormons,” AND “illicit Christmas shoes.” Bring the whole family! Maybe don’t bring the whole family. MEGAN BURBANK
Miracle Theatre, 525 SE Stark, Fri & Sat 8 pm, through Dec 20, $15-18, the3rdfloor.com