Extras Jun 19, 2013 at 4:00 am



Ian Karmel is ignorant.

Ian Karmel is trading on stereotypes to seem like he is above trading on stereotypes.

Ian Karmel is failing to be funny or insightful.

Ian Karmel is a comedian.

Ian Karmel isn't anything.
Ian is worldly.

Portland is homogenously white, culturally sterile and clueless.

Portlanders define themselves by the beer they drink and their petty, pathetic first world concerns.

Portland is "diverse" to people who have never ventured outside of Portland.

Portland denizens capture the entire spectrum, from beige to translucent.
Who cares? It's not like everyone here is racist (unless you're a cop, which rings true for whatever part of the country you live in). You want diversity? Move to Detroit. Or Atlanta. Or DC. What? No takers? It's cause they're decaying post industrialized shit bergs overpopulated with assholes of all colors, shapes and sizes. Why is Portland so white? Who knows? It's not like it's crazy expensive to live here (I'm looking at you San Fran). So most of the people here happen to be white. BFD. - A white boy with a Chinese last name
Don't be upset, I'm sure the guys at stuffwhitepeoplelike will update soon enough. Hang in there.
Alright, so I'm fairly sure he's making fun of the legions of jackoffs around here who think they're making some giant political statement when they note how white it is in Portland, and Oregon in general.
So that means the first two of you didn't get it at all, and number three: your "who knows?" actually has an answer, but I'm guessing you don't give a fuck. Holycats: that's the joke I would have made.
Crackas gonna crack!
Isn't this like Allen Ginsberg's America but with a funny few lines? Which means good?
Ian we sill miss you dearly. My Two Cents you are a turd burglar.
If you are going to make a meager living off of being clever I believe it would behoove you to at least add rhythm to your slightly overly ambiguous rambling. It has all of the potential to reach two sides of an issue yet you have none of the revisions in place to make it successful or to allow it to enrich its readers. Revisions are your most powerful tool. Try to be one step ahead of the comments and enlighten your own work with balance and true cleverness. Not just the instantaneous kind that can flow in the right moment of explosive consciousness diarrhea.
In short...this is lazy. Even in your own eyes. You have a chance here to speak to eager ears on a compelling social cancer and a moment to offer solutions yet you squander it with a lack of self pride. Your words stink of the fears of an insecure pacifistic experiencing premature enlightenment. Make us, your tender readers, proud and start expecting more of yourself. We all know you can write well and you can keep us strung along in a standard essay/journalist/critique format. But taking on this quasi-poetic style here comes with the greater challenge of figuring out where you have put the readers mind during each line. It is great to be non-linear but you lose us to the point that we see no point in returning to whatever you were trying to teach us here. Would gladly welcome a revision. I know you can wow us. Cheers.

I didn't even read your comment and I can tell that you are a self righteous douchebag. And don't sign comments with your username.

Minus the "this is lazy" part, because this is not at all lazy. I will agree that had Ian been listen to some "Don't fight the feeling" by Too Short while writing this, it might have read a little different. However, it reads the furthest thing from being ignorant!

and twocents, I'm pretty sure your two cents didnt get you a god damn column.
I hated the beginning then got it at the end. Nice message. But obviously two cents don't get it. Is it that fun pissing people off instead of helping them be less ignorant? Or is it supposed to be up to the individual to learn? Or do I take this too seriously?
Portland is so white, but at the same time at least we aren't as racist as Paula Deen.
Or again, "Portland is so white" is something you say when you're trying to score easy political points/trying to prove you're one of the good guys/trying to get laid. And I'm guessing that's what Ian was saying here.
Clearly, this article is a little off. However, I couldn't agree more with this:

"Portland is so white and the Mercury only writes about white music.
Portland is so white that all we make is white music."

I grew up playing punk rock like everyone else.
However, I've been performing Brazilian music in Portland for the last fifteen years.

If anyone sees an article in the Mercury or on the web page about any music that's not rock, indie rock, punk rock, electronica, dubstep, etc., please tell me. I'm trying to get some ink for my band, which has accordions-- how fucking Portland is that?
This city used to be something. And I agree with Ian, it's not anything.... we've changed a lot, some changes for the better, some are debatable. But this city is starting to feel like every place a commercial is shot with hip, young, attractive, artsy, indie people. Yes it is safer then most cities, but it's bland too. We are the mixed group of nerds and hotties from BBT, we are the eclectic successful go-getters from HIMYM, we are also the weird group of people munching on McD's throwing horse shoes in a wilderness just 20min outside the city limits. This is portland, and it's EVERYWHERE.
If you cant catch the satire of this column then you are probably one of those white people who exclaim " portland is so white" all the time or you're just too fucking stupid and your reading comprehension is stuck at 4th grade level. Anyways.... For the idiots who didnt catch the message: No, Portland is not white as fuck. If you think it is it's because you're white. Portland isnt anything. It just is.
I remember when NE/N Portland had a larger Hispanic and African American and Filipino community. Im a person of color. That was before the mass migration of the GENTRIFIERS that wrecked and pushed out the communities of color. Im a native and was raised here. Ive lived in practically every part of the city. Yes Portland appears homogenous. But to natives who know the city, there are pockets of ethnic culture. You just have to be clued in to where they are now. Real ethnically acculturated citizens DO NOT PATRONIZE WHITE WASHED POK POK>whose cuisine was co opted by a white chef to serve to the whitwashed clueless masses , who have no idea what authentic SE Asian street food is really like. There is a THAI place across from it on SE Division thats ACTUALLY RUN BY A THAI family. Unfortunately, they too will have to make room for the PORTLANDIA HIPSTERS THAT HAVE ALL BUT RUINED THIS PLACE. THE DREAM OF THE '90s DIED WITH THEIR INFLUX. If the whitewashed masses want an ethnic authentic experience, they need to travel toward the EAST. From 82nd down or farther NORTH to ST. JOHNS.. Thats where you find color. This place has gotten so overcrowded with AFFLUENT CONDO REFUGEES that I want to flee. Flee the city I love and was raised in. The flatulent ramblings of Ian Carmel do little to educate and elucidate on Portlands spoilage and whitewashing. Once upon a time, ALBERTA, KILLINGSWORTH was the hood. Now its just another of a number of overpriced ubertrendy districts. Theres too many people here, bringing the same hubris and garbage they fled other places to escape. That is sad. PORTLAND has been turned into another dirty, grimey, graffitti infested city. Its been mercilessly Calfornicated and Condified by greedy land developers and clueless policy makers that rolled out the red carpet for this riffraff to invade(Thanks former Mayor ADAMS!). As for criticizing its white history, Portland is no different from any other homogenous metropolis that shares that history. But Portland stood out for many reasons, the ability of its people to progress and change the city by fighting for core values of livability, responsibility and stewardship. Thats why Portlanders, not Portlandians, fight to protect and speak out on her behalf. Most of us are not racist and resent the presumptous assumptions of haters like Ian Karmel. If its too white, its because they dont live in a diverse universe and choose not to venture fruther out from their trendy whitewashed neighborhoods. Unfortunately, the greedy , opportunistic , haters and spoilers are winning. Portland is being transformed into a city of haves with no room for the have nots. A city of self entitled whiners , just like any other major metropolis in America. Ive been to Detroit, SanFancisco, New Orleans, etc.. but I always loved coming home, to Portland because it was green, polite and peaceful. But that time is past. Now, Thats tragic.
If there any black people from out of town thinking of Portland, please do, so we don't have to read any more articles like this. Thanks :)
Ian- Exactly how white is your hometown of Beaverton?
You people talk like white is a bad thing, why is white always bad, what about the mexican gangs who come to our nice neighborhoods and businesses and put graffiti on everything like they own the shit. Shooting up each other for territory. Who wants scum like that living in the heart of our city, let those dirtbags live on the outskirts, maybe if they acted like civilized people and had respect for other peoples property. I'm far from being racist, but I would rather be around the so called whiteys who at least have respect for things. What I've seen in this city, the whites, blacks and asians keep to themselves, the hispanics come in and set up their gangs and destroy property, and live very trashy like their still in mexico, this city is slowly becoming a shithole, I remember when there was hardly no trash on the sides of the streets and you never saw graffiti, now businesses, houses and churches are being vandalized with it, it's depressing, disgusting, and low. And I can tell you this it's not the white people doing it. So if you think Portland is too white, then move, cause if you have that attitude we don't want you here anyway!!
This column is really really funny. I'm about to move into an area in London's East End called Upton Park. It's affordable and everyone is brown there. Everyone. There are four white people. I think this means I'm about to gentrify Upton Park. Except to gentrify Upton Park I would have to actually have money and I don't. Thoughts.
^^ How fun for you! But you do Portland a solid and friend all sorts of bitches on facebook while you live there, and then, and THEN, you "facebook like" all of Ian's, and Portland Mercs shit, all over your facebook, so when you get there everyone can read it. Say deal! This was pretty funny cause Vanport is the one night stand of Portland and Vancouver. (Vanport is, kinda the bastard child who said fuck you and did it right!) haha and i am a proud girl. whats my zip code? I kinda wanna move!

As the second-largest city in Oregon, Vanport had shopping centers, a 750-seat movie theater that offered three double features a week, a 150-bed hospital, recreation centers, schools, and nurseries that provided twenty-four-hour care for the children of working parents. Day care provided by the school district came with dinner and breakfast for children aged two to twelve. There were also prepared meals that working women could pick up on their way home from work.
Many who remained were African Americans (6,000 as of V-J Day), who found it difficult to secure other housing. Vanport gained a whispered reputation for welfare clients and crime, although the recorded crime rate was no higher than the rest of the city. In the following years, the Vanport site surfaced in 1953-1954 as a possible location for a Memorial Coliseum before a more centrally located site was chosen. The site is now occupied by West Delta Park, Portland International Raceway, <~ haha seriously? and Heron Lakes Golf Course. <~ i understand that one.. BUT
I'm just saying that maybe it shoulda been the Rose garden. They are kinda good at putting big things in small holes. (EVERY PUN intended after reading about Vanport) hashtagvaginaswing
@ill paxton: Beaverton has a lower percentage of non-hispanic white residents than Portland.

@terri laird: Thanks for reminding us of what true racism sounds like… Y también, quizás no es un buen idea publicando tus opiniones feos y racistas usando tu nombre real por el internet. Pero tu no puedes entender estos consejos pues sigue con tu tontería

This piece was awesome by the way. Good satire usually gets misinterpreted.
You ain't so tough now, little cracka. I hate you white bastards, you stink! I hate your white skin. I hate your white dress shirts. I hate white sugar. I hate white keys on a piano. I hate my teeth, cause they white. I hate Martha Stewart's lips. I hate the back of Jim Gaffigan's neck. Huh? Most of all, I hate that white-ass Brad Pitt.
Yeah, but Jim Gaffigan is so white he shits marshmallows.

Jim Gaffigan is so white, the Eskimos have actually have hundreds of words just to descibe his whiteness...

Jim Gaffigan is so white Portland moved to him to make him more diverse...
Damn it Rich, it loses the funny when you explain it. @Matthew, just tell them you have money silly, or act like it. It really is the same thing. Funny bit Ian, thanks
The one-upsmanship on this thread is daunting! I'm so Portland I'm gonna apologize to anyone I've offended.
Jim Gaffigan is so white they use his dirty bath water to white wash churches.

Jim Gaffigan is so white he can lead a Klan rally without putting on a hood.

Jim Gaffigan is so white he bleeds semen.

Jim Gaffigan is so white if he walks through Lake Oswego people call the cops on themselves.
Holy shit this got out of hand quickly...
Beaverton vs. Portland, via Wikipedia -

Beaverton - As of the census of 2010, there were 89,803 people....The racial makeup of the city was 73.0% White, 2.6% African American, 0.6% Native American, 10.5% Asian, 0.5% Pacific Islander, 8.2% from other races, and 4.5% from two or more races. Hispanic or Latino of any race were 16.3% of the population.

Portland - As of the 2010 census, there are 583,776 people residing in the city....The census reported the city as 76.1% White (444,254 people), 7.1% Asian (41,448), 6.3% Black or African American (36,778), 1.0% Native American (5,838), 0.5% Pacific Islander (2,919), 4.7% belonging to two or more racial groups (24,437) and 5.0% from other races (28,987).[155] 9.4% were Hispanic or Latino, of any race (54,840). Whites not of Hispanic origin made up 72.2% of the total population.
Yep, we have Terri Laird, who probably has a shrine to Kevin Mieske in her house, as well as patrons of restaurants run by white people who think the restaurants are "more authentic" than the ones run by a family of that nationality.

Takes all kinds to Keep Portland Whitey!
Oh gentrification. And hatred of such. If only we had more distinct neighborhoods where people could live together and cook ethnic foods for hardcore backpackers to enjoy. Then we'd be diverse. If only our China town had real Chinese people living in it. If only we could go back to having ghettos where only the hippest of white hipsters would venture. That would be great. I mean really, the blacks are just not being violent enough anymore within the inner city. Let's bring that back. Ya know because the blacks they love killing each other, it's their "culture". They ALL hate that the neighborhoods have cleaned up. I talked to one on the bus ( overheard him talking to a friend ) and he verified this.

And Detroit? Yup, that's a "diverse" place. No black neighborhoods there. Certainly no white ones either. And definitely no racism. Just Detroit, a whole lot of different people all playing on the same playgrounds.
Actually one of the reasons Portland is 'so white' in comparison to SF or Seattle is because Oregon decided to 'sidestep' the whole race issue by maintaining until the late 40's that black people couldn't have businesses, own property, or lease. So therefore many of the people that are african american here are transplants.

Portland isn't that much more white than Seattle, which itself is also brought up usually as being an example of one of the whitest major city. And San Francisco has a lower percentage of black people as Portland does at this point. San Francisco's diversity is a huge Asian population and Hispanics that arrived in the last half of the 20th Century

Most US cities outside the south were mostly white prior to the 1940s. San Francisco and Seattle each had about 4,000 blacks in 1940. Not saying that there isn't some racist demons and policies in Oregon's past--but all the same that's not really the reason that it's so white here today. More so that Oregon's always had a somewhat weaker and less urban economy than a lot of other states along with a more remote location.
I like Pok Pok's roasted chicken.

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