[Editor's note: Portland Mercury columnist Ian Karmel spent the whole week packing up trophies awarded to him for writing fantastic columns and could not find time to write this week's submission. In his place, Sabina—some girl he went to high school with?—will be writing this week's Portland as Fuck.]

I DON'T EVEN understand why people think Starbucks isn't Portland as Fuck cause I'm pretty sure its in Portland so how can it not be Portland as fuck ,like there are WAYY more Starbucks in Portland than there are Voodoo Doughnuts so whatever. A lot of people are like "Ewww Starbucks" like they are terrible or whatever, but how can they be terrible when they are like RIGHT NEXT to the tanning place I go to{ I mean if there was another coffee shop there I would totes go to them but there isn't, there is a Starbucks there, so I go there. I used to go to some hippie coffee place by my gym and the coffee was good or whatever but then I stopped going there because if I go tanning I don't really need to work out.

Starbucks isn't like THE GREATEST thing ever, like yesterday I went there and ordered my usual venti non-fat no-whip extra-caramel sugar-free hazelnut Frappuccino and I was like "Hey Brett, you got my drink wrong, my name is spelled with an A, not an E." I mean, seriously, do I look like the type of person that would spell my name with an E? I knew a Sabina that spelled it with an "E" in high school and she kept a list of all the guys she gave blowjobs to, which, I don't even care if you wanna be a slut—whatever, that's your problem, but she let it fall out of her binder during history and my friend Ashleigh found it and my boyfriend Turners name was on it twice. Like REALLY?!) NE WAYZ.

Starbucks isn't just about coffee, they sell CD's too, like last week, before I went to get a mani/pedi, I stopped for a coffee and was so fucking excited because they had Justin Timberlake's new CD. I fucking LOOOOVE him. I don't understand how he came out with seven CD's though when my VW Jetta only has a six-disc changer. Sometimes the world just doesn't make any sense, that's why I got my tattoo that says "this too shall pass".

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it doesn't really matter where you get your coffee from (as long as it's not Dutch Brothers cause i'm pretty sure that's where Sabeena works.) We are all Portland as Fuck and all of our differences are what makes Portland the amazing melting pot of a community that it is.

Have a rad summer,