Unsure of what to get that white person on your list? How about “Christmas Sweats”? Here are Rhett & Link, spokespersons for the ASPCA (American Sweat Pants Christmas Association) and two unknown white girls. OH! There are Hannukah and Kwanzaa sweats too—because you know, boo racism.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)