CANDIDATES

NATIONAL

PRESIDENT:
Hillary Clinton—Are you fucking kidding?

STATEWIDE

GOVERNOR:
Kate Brown—Sure. She’s been okay.

SECRETARY of STATE:
Brad Avakian—We still don’t want Dennis Richardson that close to being governor.

ATTORNEY GENERAL:
Ellen Rosenblum—But she needs to release the Larry O’Dea investigation already.

CITY OF PORTLAND

CITY COMMISSIONER, POSITION 4:
Chloe Eudaly—She’ll bring needed perspective.

MULTNOMAH COUNTY

COUNTY COMMISSION, DISTRICT 1:
Sharon Meieran—Don’t mess this up, Sharon.

COUNTY COMMISSION, DISTRICT 4:
Lori Stegmann—Best pick to represent East County (and stegosaurs).

MEASURES

STATEWIDE

94 (Doing away with mandatory judge retirements):
Yes—Judgy old people.

95 (Lets universities invest in equities):
Yes—It’s boring, but useful.

96 (Lottery money to veterans’ services):
Yes—UNLESS YOU HATE VETERANS.

97 ($3 billion corporate tax hike):
Yes—But only because no one has a better plan.

98 (More money for technical education/dropout prevention):
Yes—Too few Oregon students are graduating. This could help!

99 (Lottery funds for outdoor schools):
Yes—Bad news, lazy youths.

100 (Prohibiting sale of endangered animal parts):
Yes—Won’t someone think of the pangolins!

CITY OF PORTLAND

26-179 ($258.4 million Portland housing bond):
Yes—This city needs it.

26-180 (3 percent recreational pot sales tax):
Yes—Cough it up, stoners.

MULTNOMAH COUNTY

26-181 (Extends Multnomah County term limits):
Yes—Four more years!

26-182 (Lets county commissioners keep job while running for chair):
Yes—Fixes a kink in the system.

26-183 (Appoint Multnomah County sheriff):
No—Hold the bastards accountable.

26-184 (County campaign finance limits):
Yes—Because Oregon’s current system sucks.

METRO

26-178 (Renew Metro levy for natural areas):
Yes—For the fish. And the pangolins, if we ever get any.