CANDIDATES

NATIONAL

PRESIDENT:
Hillary Clintonโ€”Are you fucking kidding?

STATEWIDE

GOVERNOR:
Kate Brownโ€”Sure. Sheโ€™s been okay.

SECRETARY of STATE:
Brad Avakianโ€”We still donโ€™t want Dennis Richardson that close to being governor.

ATTORNEY GENERAL:
Ellen Rosenblumโ€”But she needs to release the Larry Oโ€™Dea investigation already.

CITY OF PORTLAND

CITY COMMISSIONER, POSITION 4:
Chloe Eudalyโ€”Sheโ€™ll bring needed perspective.

MULTNOMAH COUNTY

COUNTY COMMISSION, DISTRICT 1:
Sharon Meieranโ€”Donโ€™t mess this up, Sharon.

COUNTY COMMISSION, DISTRICT 4:
Lori Stegmannโ€”Best pick to represent East County (and stegosaurs).

MEASURES

STATEWIDE

94 (Doing away with mandatory judge retirements):
Yesโ€”Judgy old people.

95 (Lets universities invest in equities):
Yesโ€”Itโ€™s boring,
but useful.

96 (Lottery money to veteransโ€™ services):
Yesโ€”UNLESS YOU HATE VETERANS.

97 ($3 billion corporate tax hike):
Yesโ€”But only because no one has a better plan.

98 (More money for technical education/dropout prevention):
Yesโ€”Too few Oregon students are graduating. This could help!

99 (Lottery funds for outdoor schools):
Yesโ€”Bad news, lazy youths.

100 (Prohibiting sale of endangered animal parts):
Yesโ€”Wonโ€™t someone think of the pangolins!

CITY OF PORTLAND

26-179 ($258.4 million Portland housing bond):
Yesโ€”This city needs it.

26-180 (3 percent recreational pot sales tax):
Yesโ€”Cough it up, stoners.

MULTNOMAH COUNTY

26-181 (Extends Multnomah County term limits):
Yesโ€”Four more years!

26-182 (Lets county commissioners keep job while running for chair):
Yesโ€”Fixes a kink in the system.

26-183 (Appoint Multnomah County sheriff):
Noโ€”Hold the bastards accountable.

26-184 (County campaign finance limits):
Yesโ€”Because Oregonโ€™s current system sucks.

METRO

26-178 (Renew Metro levy for natural areas):
Yesโ€”For the fish. And the pangolins, if we ever get any.

4 replies on “The <i>Mercury</i> Voting Cheat Sheet”

  1. I’ve been a loyal reader for a long time and while I don’t always agree, your Voting Cheat Sheet aligns perfectly with the ballot I just dropped off.

  2. Anyone who uses the comments section of a tabloid paper to declare who should lose their right to vote should lose their right to vote!!!

    No, wait, wave of irony destroying me… who wants to sublet a 2/1 townhouse in St John’s?

  3. I’m against Measure 99 simply because it’s just another cosmetic waste of school funding. Unless Portland really does want to dreigroschenoper its way into a Weimar Republic state of artsy pauperdom it would behoove us to tackle our abysmal maths and sciences. Art and nature are great for bus shelters and the urban chicken revolution, but it’s maths and sciences that ensure intellectual creativity in a global economy.

Comments are closed.