Maybe you’ve heard of McLoughlin Boulevard; more likely, you’ve whipped down it at 90 MPH to get to the naked boobs and four-dollar steaks at the Acropolis. But did you know that McLoughlin Boulevard is named after one of the biggest badasses who ever lived? He’s Dr. John McLoughlin, and unless you’re some kind of nerd, you have no idea he is a titan of Pacific Northwest history and deserves every last cent of your paltry respect. So get those stripper’s breasts out of your face, pay attention, and learn something for once. TO WIT:

• Dr. John McLoughlin stood a whopping 6’4″. If that doesn’t impress you, remember that this was the 1800s, and historical records show that the average man stood approximately 16 hands tallside (or, roughly two-thirds of a horseshoulder)—which, according to the expert calculations of the Mercury math team, is the modern-day equivalent of 4’15”. In summation: DR. JOHN McLOUGHLIN WAS A TOWERING GIANT.

• Dr. John McLoughlin invented Oregon. This was a time when no roads or civilization existed, when the land was a raw inhospitable place terrorized by mountain lions and man-eating Sasquatch. McLoughlin came west in 1821 and for the next two-dozen years, was de facto governor of the territory, saving the new settlers from starvation and disease after their long trek westward. His general store was the final stop on the Oregon Trail, and he was even knighted by the goddamn pope. In conclusion, DR. JOHN McLOUGHLIN WAS A BENEVOLENT AND GENEROUS FRIEND TO ALL, AND WOULD HAVE HAPPILY RESCUED YOU FROM CONSUMPTION.

• Dr. John McLoughlin was a doctor. Keep in mind that during the early days of the Oregon Territory, medicine was nothing like it is today. Dr. McLoughlin was forced to perform intricate and dangerous medical procedures under incredibly difficult circumstances. Limbs were amputated with only the help of a blunt pocketknife and a plug of whiskey. Open-heart surgery was performed with four twigs and a sharpish rock. And anyway, are you a doctor? There’s a 99 percent likelihood that you are too dumb to be a doctor. And even if you are a doctor, we bet you never had to birth a child using only a corncob, a beaver pelt, and a bucket of bark dust. Therefore, DR. JOHN McLOUGHLIN WAS SMARTER AND BRAVER THAN YOU WILL EVER BE.

• Dr. McLoughlin was a crazy-looking dude with bright white hair. He was buried alongside his wife outside the McLoughlin House in Oregon City, and there’s a rumor that the ghost of a very tall man still haunts the house, creaking down the stairs and stooping under doorways. This is incontrovertible evidence that DEATH CANNOT CONTAIN DR. JOHN McLOUGHLIN AND HE WILL HAUNT YOUR ASS UNTIL THE END OF TIME.

Ned Lannamann is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. He writes about film, music, TV, books, travel, tech, food, drink, outdoors, and other things.

12 replies on “Best Badass in Oregon History”

  1. Dear Mercury,
    Regarding this quote:
    “He’s Dr. John McLoughlin, and unless you’re some kind of nerd, you have no idea he is a titan of Pacific Northwest history and deserves every last cent of your paltry respect.”

    This statement only proves that a) you are a jackass and b) you grew up in Alabama. Anyone who grew up anywhere in the Willamette Valley came out of their mother’s womb knowing all about John McLoughlin and his badass life. Anyone who doesn’t know about him (and thinks that people that do are nerds), is clearly a transplant that didn’t have the good sense to learn something about our history before riding their unicycle into our town.

    Sometimes I want to slap your face off, Portland Mercury.

  4. “John’s Face” is right. This article smacks of ignorance in a style very uncharacteristic of the Merc.

    Also, McLoughlin wasn’t THAT benevolent. He did make a killing as the territory’s rep for the Hudson Bay Company. That’s why he came out here: to make money.

    It should probably be noted, too, that he was pretty much widely shunned by the end of his days and by the time we became a state. “We don’t need you, old man!”

  5. Best feature article since The Estacada Roadtrip ( Hwy 30 wasn’t too bad either).
    I have a bit of thing for the ‘old man’ and have made many a Pilgrimage to either Fort Vancouver or Oregon City. In fact while on Tour of the his house that was moved up the hill my friend and I heard another tour group upstairs (a woman talking)…. when we went upstairs no one was there!

    Also it must be known, no need to get to Oregon City by car or 99 — Dude one of the Best rides ever by bicycle. Bike out of Sellwood past the ‘Bins’ and past the pioneer cemetery, through Milwaukie — ride the path along the river (that goes to Elk Rock), then take River Road most of the way to Oregon City. You can always take the bus back.

  8. I have to agree with the first poster. As one of the “nerds” derided in the article, there are tons of people in Oregon history who make John McLoughlin look like a pussy.

    How about Nimrod O’Kelly, Revolutionary War Veteran, who WALKED to Oregon at 70 years old. He shot another man for jumping his land claim, turned himself in. Waited for almost two years before trial was finalized. Ended up walking to jail in Portland because his Sheriff escort got drunk the night before. And then, once he got out of jail, he walked to Washington D.C. and back to Oregon TWICE more in an attempt to finally settle his land claims.

    Or the unknown sailor who jumped ship at Sauvies Island and settled down twenty years before any other white settlers (including McLoughlin) were even thinking of living here.

    Or the group of guys who faced 300 indians at Battle Rock snuck away during the night, and were pursued for ten days as they traveled north to civilization.

    Or how about Joseph Meek. The Mountain Man’s Mountain Man. Colonel in the Oregon Militia during the Rouge Indian Wars. Trapper, Farmer, Settler.

    McLoughlin was important yes, but his only real contributions to Oregon was to wipe out the Beaver population on 90% of the rivers here, and giving supplies to settlers on the first few wagon trains. – Settlers who later ended up shopping at his store in Oregon City because it was the only one around.

  10. Did the Merc steal the lesson plan of a 4th grade Social Studies teacher to write this?

    Anyone who went to fourth grade in Oregon learned about John McLoughlin long ago, maybe even went to his house, and possibly the interpretive center that looks like a giant wagon and closed some time ago, I think. Some of us even recall playing the Oregon Trail computer game on old school Apple IIEs… now giving us a history lesson about that game would be a story. (especially a friend of mine from Maine also played that in the 4th grade back in the 80s).

  11. Not a surprise from the Merc. If you just moved here, you assume everyone else is as in the dark as you are.
    And “Nimrod” by Ronald Lansing makes for a great read, assuming one is ‘nerdy’ enough to give a fuck about the history of this place.

  12. I am sure John McLoughlin would be quite proud of the reputation his namesake of a boulevard has gotten. All along the stretch of road (especially Milwaukie) you have run down shacks and business buildings in disrepair as well as crack houses in trailer parks. I say take a napalm bomb to the whole stretch of road and be done with it already. I’m sure a few crack heads and their dealers won’t be missed.

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