Three am has long been a magical hour for celebrities. Rock Hudson’s Redi-Wip deliveries always arrived at 3 on the dot, and it’s long been common knowledge that the Latin Grammy post-parties never really get cranking until then anyway. But truly important events have occurred at our magic hour of 3:00 in the morning—and not only the birth of one Sandra Annette Bullock (who would later earn $12 million for Speed 2: Cruise Control) on July 26, 1964 in Arlington, Virginia. Read on for more thrills at 3…
July 26, 2003—Los Angeles, CA—*NSYNC flunky Joey “The Fat One” Fatone almost shits his pants at 3 am at Jerry’s Deli when an unknown armed man enters the 24-hour celebrity hangout (where Britney Spears likes to nibble on beef) in a hold-up attempt. In escaping, Fatone flees without paying.
September 11, 2005—Miami, FL— Commemorating the fourth anniversary of his missed opportunity to fuck up some towel-heads, Shaquille O’Neal thwarts a gay-bashing attempt. Cruising the strip in gay-gay-gay South Beach, O’Neal foils a hayseed’s crack at some fags with a glass bottle. Why Shaq was there at 3 am is still unspecified.
October 26, 2005—New York, NY—Star “The Fat One” Jones receives a phone call from the NYPD at our special time. Apparently, husband Al Reynolds changed lanes without signaling and was detained for 12 hours because “the fingerprint machine wasn’t working.” According to comedienne Kathy Griffin, Al was on his way home from Clay Aiken’s.
April 18, 2006—Santa Monica, CA—Katie Holmes of Toledo, Ohio, births an offspring of some sort at 3 am. Tom Cruise is present; his relation to the baby is still uncertain.
July 10, 2006—London, UK—Naomi Campbell begins a shouting match with her ex-boyfriend in front of his chic residence, demanding some of her belongings. Neighbors call police who, in turn, escort Campbell down the lane and retrieve her things for her. Campbell is currently battling three simultaneous lawsuits from former employees alleging assault.
July 23, 2006—London, UK—George Michael, despite having a very cute and understanding American boyfriend, is caught groping an older man in a throng of shrubbery near Hampstead Heath. After screaming at photographers that his indiscretions were not illegal, Michael—according to the older man—does more than make out. “It was fondling and mutual pleasuring,” the man claims.
July 31, 2006—Los Angeles, CA—Lindsay Lohan, just days after hospitalization for heat exhaustion on the set of her new film Georgia Rule, proves her mettle to the world by getting her fourth tattoo—a white heart between her thumb and index finger. Her other thumb was held by boyfriend Harry Morton, whoever he is.