[Don’t be a hot mess in 2018! Get your shit together with this week’s special feature, the “Get Your Shit Together Issue!” We think this story will help….—eds.]
When I heard we were doing an issue about getting one’s shit together, I knew I was candidate number one.
I’m 33, a food critic who eats more fried chicken than any human should, and if I’m not careful, there’s a touch of the gout in my future. As I pondered my path to redemption I thought: If one health activity is good—WHAT ABOUT THREE? And what if I do all of them in THREE DAYS? Fixed!
So I crafted plans to ruin my long MLK weekend by attending BurnCycle, enduring a three-day juice cleanse with Portland Juice Company, AND doing a 90-minute sensory deprivation float at the Float Shoppe. When I announced I’d do it on social media, the superstar chef of Mae and the upcoming Yonder, Maya Lovelace, popped into the comments to say she was in for the fast.
I opted for a cleanse with four juices and one cup of bone broth from Salt, Fire & Time for three days ($117 delivered), while Maya went full juice, getting a total of six bottles a day ($141). If I couldn’t eat pork, I was sure gonna go HAM on health.
Thursday: After work, I drive to the Pearl for BurnCycle, a spin class in the vein of SoulCycle, where acolytes climb aboard stationary bikes packed some 18 inches apart, pedaling to high-volume club beats while the teacher shouts motivational words and your quads catch fire.
Most of the class is spent riding standing up, while “the pack” is meant to keep pace to the beat. Kira, the teacher, turns the lights on and off at seemingly random intervals and shouts things like “Get out of your head and into your body!” and “Only you know your story!”
