So Merlin was over the other night, because it was the season finale of The Bachelor, and we always watch The Bachelor, because it’s kind of our thing, even though I always know how it ends, because I’m Nostradamus. (Speaking of The Bachelor, though! Fuck Bryan, right? That dude suuuuuucks, and the only reason he “won” was because Peter didn’t want to get immediately engaged? That’s a perfectly reasonable stance, and maybe Peter deserves to be with someone who isn’t fixated on a ring and who can appreciate emotional maturity… RACHEL.) Anyway, during a commercial, Merlin starts talking about this eclipse thing. Of course he’s all excited, and wants to get a campsite, and order special glasses, and he keeps saying how, during the totality, his crystal ball will probably capture visions unlike any ever beheld.
“Merle,” I said, “you’re a nice guy, and no offense, but sometimes, I don’t think you really ‘get it.’ And by ‘get it,’ I mean, ‘comprehend that the upcoming solar eclipse will mark the END OF DAYS and plunge Earth into an ETERNITY OF DARKNESS through which humankind shall NEVER EMERGE!’ For lo, seas shall freeze and rocks shall melt! Trees shall wither and animals shall scream! Men and women alike shall flay off their skins and become CANNIBALISTIC BLOOD-BAGS that WALLOW and WEEP beneath reeking mountains of their own WASTE AND VOMIT! Our mighty celestial Solar System shall fall, BROKEN AND CORRUPTED, as its once well-oiled gears CRACK AND SNAP, as PLANETS COLLIDE AND EXPLODE, as NEBULAS BURN IN SCREAMING INFERNOS! THIS SHALL BE THE INFINITE DARKNESS THE ECLIPSE WILL WREAK! LO, BEHOLD! I AM NOSTRADAMUS, AND I DECLARE IT SO!”
“Yeah, okay,” Merlin said. “Or maybe it’ll be cloudy and none of this will matter. Anyways, I heard the Mercury is doing some kind of eclipse issue, maybe you can write something for it.”
Well, I knew all about that already, but I still thought that was a pretty good idea, so I did write something for it. (This is it!) So please enjoy the Mercury’s eclipse issue, unless you are Bryan.
We can’t be “blood bags” if we have flayed our skin off. Get it right, NostraDUMBASS!