There really is no “cure” for a hangover. And isn’t that bizarre? I
mean, with cures for tuberculosis and polio, and drugs that battle
anxiety, obesity, excessive lung mucus, and restless leg syndrome,
you’d think science could relieve a tiny little hangover. But no… we
poor alcoholics are left out in the cold, moaning, while we stuff our
faces with anything that will make us feel even momentarily better.
Speaking of, below is a collection of innovative methods that might
just ease you through. Use them all at once and you’ll actually feel
slightly normal (I know, I’ve tried it).
COCONUT WATER
Coconut water is the liquid inside young coconuts, which contains
sodium, potassium, calcium, and magnesium. It has the same level of
electrolytes as humans have in their blood, and can actually be used
during a transfusion if there isn’t any blood around. Good to know!
More importantly, though, coconut water can really help out a hangover
because of its intense re-hydrating power. Find it in the cold beverage
section at New Seasons, or if you’re a pathetic drunk, you can order a
12-pack on amazon.com for around
$20.
XANAX
For me, 90 percent of a hangover is anxiety. Because Xanax cures
anxiety, taking one drastically reduces that jittery I-hate-myself
feeling virtually right away. I’ve tried this method after a regular
night of heavy drinking with blockbuster results. I also tried it once
after a serious night in Vegas, and I still felt like shit despite it.
The point being: If you feel like you’re going to actually die,
don’t waste valuable Xanax. Just start drinking again.
HAIR OF THE DOG
Only in the last couple years have I truly mastered the hair of the
dog. Why? Because this method actually requires restraint, and when
booze and restraint shake hands, I don’t do very well. But here’s the
drill: breakfast and then one to two Bloody Marys, screwdrivers, or
shots of vodka. Trust me: Don’t fuck around with anything except vodka.
Then force yourself to go somewhere that does not serve booze. I
recommend Ikea, Target, or any other gigantic store where you can
occupy yourself by browsing though all the things you absolutely “need”
(sunglasses, knee socks, clearance Christmas ornaments, tanning lotion,
a new sheet set, sparkling water). By the time you’re finished, you’ll
be exhausted and ready for a nap. By cocktail hour you’ll be at no less
than 75 percent.
VITAMIN WATER/EMERGEN-C/MANGO-XAN/GATORADE
With any beverage or vitamin hangover cure, it’s best if you suck
some down before you hit the hay. Room-temperature Vitamin Water,
Gatorade, Emergen-C, or Mango-Xan (available at New Seasons) will
drastically eliminate the pain felt in the morning, especially if
paired with a B-complex vitamin. However, if you forget to hydrate the
night before, drink any or all of the above as soon as you wake up,
then head back to bed for as long as possible. I did this the other day
before my aerobics class and actually arrived feeling more like a human
than a pile of dog shit. And if you can hack it, doing just 15 minutes
of intense cardio will make you feel like a thousand bucks.
IV DRIP
Do you have access to an IV drip of saline… or, better yet,
morphine? If so, please call me.
PURE OXYGEN
I’m not aware of any oxygen bars that have opened in our humble
city, but you will find oxygen tanks that are primarily used for
industrial purposes. Check the warehouse at your job, or the ambulance
if you happen to be a paramedic. Inhale a few good hits of pure oxygen
and you’ll definitely feel better, if not quite like your old self. For
the truly curious, you can buy a can of pure oxygen online at betterthanair.com for around $60… and
if you’re a rich drunk, that’s nothing.
MENUDO
This spicy Mexican soup made from chilies, hominy, and tripe is
traditionally eaten by Mexican folks on New Year’s Day and on Sundays,
and is said to banish the effects of drinking. Like everything else,
menudo only works about halfway and requires you to get in your
car to retrieve it. But heck, to me, even feeling halfway better is
worth it. Most Mexican joints sell menudo, so if you’ve got a spot
nearby, stumble out the door and get some.
SEX
Admittedly, there are only two things I’m good at when I’m hung
over. The first is deciding what I want to eat, and the second one is
sex. Come to think of it, I may’ve just figured out how it is I can
convince my loved one to hop in the car to bring me chicken-fried
steaks in the morning. Anyway, sex is the perfect interlude during a
day of napping and eating greasy food. And seriously, you have nothing
better to do.