I like drinking, and I like watching stuff on my TV. Ideally, these
things should go together. That said, whoever came up with a drinking
game for Bill Nye the Science Guy either has way too much time
on their hands or is in dire need of an intervention. Same goes for the
Will & Grace drinking game, which for some ungodly reason
actually exists. (Take two drinks whenever “Grace whines about her
personal life”? Wow. Worst fucking “game” ever.) The internet is full
of absolutely abhorrent movie- and TV-centric drinking games, from the
annoying and incomprehensible (for High School Musical, drink
when “Ryan changes his hat… double if he’s not wearing a hat!”) to
ones obviously invented by already-inebriated frat boys (“Watch any of
the Die Hard movies. Every time the word ‘fuck’ is used, drink.
By the end of the movie, you’ll be lucky if your [sic] still
conscious.”)
The best drinking games, though, are the ones that make perfect
sense: I’ll be goddamned if I know why some douchebag named Ryan
changing his hat is worth taking a shot of Old Grandad for, but I’ll
happily take a swig every time Wesley Crusher “gets that annoying
‘impish’ grin” or Guinan “makes people sigh at the end of a talk.”
(True, I’m already a fan of drinking alone while watching Star Trek:
The Next Generation, but I digress.) Similarly logical: Taking a
drink, preferably from a White Russian, every time someone in The
Big Lebowski says “dude.”
It only makes sense that the world’s best drinking game accompanies
the world’s best TV show. Cops: The Drinkin’ Game! encourages
you to take a drink whenever one of the poor bastards on Cops does any/all of the following: “runs from police,” “has missing teeth,”
“denies ownership of drugs,” “is or acts gay,” “is partially (or not)
clothed,” “bleeds,” or—my personal favorite—”cries or
throws [a] fit.” And it’s time for a shot if a “dog finds anybody,”
“any woman beats up any man,” anything catches on fire, or a crime
scene boasts an “inappropriate number of animals.” Just FYI,
Cops airs weekdays at 3 pm on PDX 49. You know what to do.
