Behold, the mighty and beloved e-scooter! After these high-tech “electric personal transportation devices” took Silicon Valley by storm, they raced across the country… at which point a whole bunch of cities either kicked them out or served them with cease-and-desist orders, so then they ended up in Portland? Cool!
E-scooters are now the hottest craze in town—it seems like one can’t go 10 feet without seeing a fashionable tech bro scoot-scootin’ along, and one for sure can’t go 10 feet without tripping on an e-scooter that another fashionable tech bro has dumped in the middle of the sidewalk. Like the mighty and beloved Segway, e-scooters are clearly the transportation of the future—but are they right for you? Read on!
Is an e-scooter right for me?
That depends! Do you consider yourself “too good” for public transportation? Did you fail driver’s ed? Are you physically able to walk or bike, but just, y’know, don’t feel like it? If you answered “yes” to each of these questions, an e-scooter could be for you!
Should I wear a helmet?
Yes, dummy. The only reason not to wear a helmet while riding a questionably engineered piece of poorly maintained technology is to preserve your dignity. For you, that is no longer a concern; you lost all dignity the moment you stepped onto an e-scooter.
I have one friend. Can they ride on my e-scooter with me?
Legally? No. Technically? Yes! You will crash.
Can I ride on the sidewalk?
Legally? No. Technically? Yes! Portland’s police officers are way too busy dealing with actual criminals who do not look like giant fucking dorks.
I heard e-scooters are only in Portland as part of a “pilot project.” When will this pilot project end?
Portland’s e-scooter pilot project will conclude when each and every e-scooter has been chucked into the river.
Many Portlanders dislike e-scooters, mock those who ride e-scooters, and enjoy chucking e-scooters into the river. But e-scooters have gotta be better than cars, right?
They totally are! But, like bumper cars, it’s maybe a bit disingenuous to get all high and mighty about riding them. Our children are already doomed to scream and die in a vicious and unrelently horrific ecological hellscape; e-scooting to the Doug Fir doesn’t exactly make you Captain Planet. You need way more facepaint to be Captain Planet.
Can I do cool tricks and sweet jumps on an e–scooter?
HELL YEAH BRO! If you’re gonna scoot, SCOOT-SCOOT TO THE X-TREME! (Please note: “Cool tricks” are limited to “starting,” “stopping, usually,” and “letting another app owned by Silicon Valley vampires gather all of your personal and financial information and obsessively record and sell your every movement.” “Sweet jumps” are limited to “small curbs.”)
Can one wake up, get just a little bit high, rent an e-scooter, ride that e-scooter into the street, onto the sidewalk, into the Mercury’s office building, down the hall, into the elevator, out of the elevator, down the other hall, through the Mercury’s front doors, and around and around in a loop around the Mercury editors’ desks while shouting “SCOOT-SCOOT TO THE X-TREME”?
Yes! But only if someone (Suzette) holds the doors open for you! Also, you should be aware that if you do, you might crash at full speed into the newsroom just a little bit, and then someone (Steve) might make you (me) write this piece as punishment.
OMG Thank you!!!
I was almost hyperventilating from the terror of what was starting to look like an entire five days with no scooter content at all. None!
I knew all along, in my heart, that The Mercury would not –COULD not– let us down.
I’m all about scooter shaming
Are y’alls just down on scooters because the Willamette Week went in on the side of scooters? This sort of snarky “hot take” is pretty tired yawn If I want to listen to people whine about scooters j could just go on to Nextdoor
I am 71 years old. The e-scooter has enabled me to access public transportation that was just a walk too far. I always wear a helmet. Your diatribe assumes the worst and ignores the benefits of a transportation alternative that extends rather limits or replace Portland’s public transit system.
Years ago there was a short craze of using trampolines for entertainment. The trampolines were set into the ground, so people could just step onto them and bounce to their hearts delight. Unfortunately, if they bounced wrong, they would land on the hard earth or pavement. This happened and the resulting broken bones and law suits quickly ended this little episode in stupid human ideas. Now it’s scooters on streets with cars, trucks, bicycles, and other vehicles. Uh oh. With limited use, and used safely with a helmet, scooters could be a help to some people. However, from what I’ve seen they are a toy waiting for a very bad accident. This morning I was riding a bicycle and a young guy on a scooter zipped around me. He didn’t have on a helmet, and from what I could see he had no protection if an accident did occur. He was going faster than I was going, and quickly ran two stop signs before dipping onto a small road. Perhaps these things can be helpful in some situations, but as a general form of transportation, I think this is an obvious problem waiting to become a crisis.
This is amazing. All the articles have been! How do I write for the Mercury! #dreamjob