Oh no you didn'!

The website Epicurious released their Top Ten Food Trend predictions for 2009 last week. After I recovered from the headache brought on from all the eye rolling (my god, people, now I know how you feel reading my posts!), I was finally able to think clearly enough to put together a response.

First off, I'd like to note the inherent insanity of releasing this type of list. This kind of thing is a shit magnet. At least, it'd be a shit magnet if I attempted to name my top ten Portland food trends for 2009. By the time I got to something like "#7: More amazing restaurants appearing in the far-outer east side," I would've already been savaged to an unrecognizable pulp by latent fans of my Last Supper column. So, no thank you.

And now I've admitted my cowardice, I'll go ahead and criticize the poor sap who had the cajones to post the Epicurious Top Ten Trends: Well duhhhhhhh... We knew most of this already... Jeeeeze. Man, that's fun! I can really see the appeal now!

Seriously though. I'm glad to see that Portland is ahead of the curve on these trends. Take for instance, "smoked is the new fried." Oh man, you're telling me! I had an amazing smoked bacon sandwich yesterday at a shop to be named later and... kazaam, baby! Also, I've certainly said oodles about the amazing smoked cocktails in town.

I love that Stumptown Coffee Roasters was mentioned ("Regional Roasters are the new Starbucks,") but I need to remember that Epicurious is an international website, and not everyone realizes that local roasters have much more control over roasting than a Starbucks mega bean factory.

Portland's also ahead on the whole "Peruvian is the new Thai" thing. Just check out Nasca and Del Inti. Not to mention that beloved old stand-by, Andina.

But here's what got me going:

8. Portland (Maine) is the new Portland (Oregon)
Abundance of great chefs, restaurants, and local foodies? Check, check, and check. Want examples? Visit Five Fifty-Five, Hugo's, and Fore Street to start.

That's all the evidence you've got? An abundance of great chefs, restaurants, and local foodies? Hell, why not choose Cleveland? Or, like, a dozen other cities scattered across the US? What? Was it just because our city is named after theirs? Is that it?

I'm challenging Portland, Maine, to a fight. If they want our gold leaf coated, slightly salted, smoked chocolate crown, then they're going to have to come over here and take it! I dare 'em!

Alrighty. Now prove you've got some cajones and post your Portland food trend predictions for 2009 in the comments section below!