Hey, let’s go see the Hulk! Yeah, I’ll even buy you some popcorn! What, you want a large? Hmmm, I wonder how many calories a large popcorn has, anyway. Oh wait, lemme look it up on my iphone (bleep blurp click slide shmear)… Say, here it is on a Yahoo Health “experts” webpage called Eat This, Not That:
Large Popcorn
1,283 calories
78 g fat (49 g saturated)
1,850 mg sodium
HOLY SHIT! Are you kidding me? That’s insane. That’s something, like, half of the recommended daily intake of calories! Can we jog up and down the aisles while we watch this movie, because that’s just… Oh wait, there’s more.
Researchers gave patrons different-sized popcorn buckets, and those with large buckets ate nearly twice as much as those with medium buckets. And get this: In some of the buckets, researchers traded out the fresh-popped corn for two-week-old kernels! Those moviegoers munched away so absentmindedly that they put away 34 percent more stale popcorn than those with medium buckets of fresh corn!
Now that’s just SICK. Sick and wrong and twisted. Maybe we should just get some Nachos or something. Let’s see what they say about… Oh my GOD!
Large Nachos with Cheese (40 chips, 4 oz.)
1,101 calories
59 g fat (18.5 g saturated)
1,580 mg sodium
I thought nachos were healthy! I thought they were, like, a health food! I’ve been deceived my entire life. Okay, okay, this movie is NOT going to be ruined by these Yahoo Health douchebags! How bout we get some Whoppers. They’re small and mostly air, right?
Whoppers (5 oz. box)
676 calories
24 g fat (20.3 g saturated)
88 g sugars
Damnit! Damn! Damn! Damn! Oh, it gets worse…
How many malt balls does it take to run up a day’s worth of saturated fat? About 70, the number in a theatre-sized box of Whoppers. This candy’s a long-standing classic, but so are fat-guy comedians. You want to join that jowly double bill?
Oh, these Yahoo Health guys are so hi-larious… I hope they choke on their hi-larious carrot sticks! Alright, screw it, let’s just get a Cherry Coke then… Okay, I’m not even going to look… at… what THE HELL!
44 oz. Cherry Coke,
572 calories,
0 g fat,
154 g sugars
Okay, ya know what? Fuck it. Let’s just go home. Thanks for ruining the Hulk,Yahoo Health. No. No. Not just the Hulk… my whole summer movie fun! Bitches.
Between that and the assholes that inevitably sit behind me, kick my chair and talk through the entire movie, why should I even bother going to a theater and spending all those clams? You say, the screen is bigger? Whoopty. I think I’ll just sit closer to my TV.