Conan is in Chicago this week, so he sent the “nicest guy in America” (30 Rock‘s Jack MacBrayer) to the meanest, most insulting restaurant in Chi-town, the Weiner Circle. The employees give it to him pretty good—but luckily Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was on hand to exact some hilarious, foul-mouthed, and ultimately nonsensical revenge. (Seriously, have some tissue handy, ‘cuz you’re gonna laugh till you cry.)

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)