Whoopee! The Portland Police Bureau just issued another of their “Let’s Make Occupy Portland Look Like Monsters and Sway Public Opinion Against Them” bulletins Occupy Portland Arrests and Public Safety Updates. And it’s pretty much the usual stuff: Protesters lock themselves to cement barrels in Schrunk Plaza (yeah, yeah, yeah), 17-year-old runaway found among protesters (yeah, yeah, yeah), some crazy person swinging a hammer (yeah, yeah, yeah), and… WHAT’S THIS????
Occupy Portland protesters became enraged when Pizza Schmizza ran out of breadsticks to accompany their order. They threatened to assault employees and vandalize the restaurant.
What… the… FREAK?? Look, it’s one thing for Bank of America to fuck me with my snowsuit on—I expect that. BUT PIZZA SCHMIZZA?? What kind of B.S. are they trying to pull over there?? If I order pizza with a certain number of breadsticks, I expect a certain number of breadsticks!! What if you ordered an 18-inch pepperoni pizza, and they delivered it to you with two slices missing? YOU WOULD GO INSANE. Look, Schmizza! These Occupy Portland people are having it bad enough. They’re cold, they’re wet, they’re hungry, and they’re a magnet for Portland’s crazy hammer swingers. Give ’em the freaking breadsticks they asked for—or, or… NO TIP!!!
And hey, Portland Police? Withholding paid-for breadsticks is a CRIME. Do your goddamn job.
UPDATE 4:40 PM!—Denis here. Pizza Schmizza explains the whole thing on Facebook—and, yes, they still love Occupy Portland.
For the most part, people from Occupy Portland that have come into the store have been wonderful and we appreciate them coming in out of the cold and rain. We truly welcome everyone into our establishments. This is the first incident we’ve had since the Occupy movement started and we hope it is the only one.
I think you have to run out of pizza to run out of breadsticks, but someone feel free to scornfully correct me here.
Hi WSH- I was wondering if it would be possible to add another option that says “SHUT UP, HIPPY!”. PRETTY PLEASE!
As a vegan I can eat all the fucking gluten I want, but those bread sticks better have Daiya instead of cheese made from the milk of exploited cows.
As a vegan, SHUT UP, VEGAN. That’s what makes the option hilariously funny.
I fucking love gluten.
GLUTEN BROS 4 LIFE
I was eating in the restaurant when this happened. The guy was told it would be a 5 min. wait for breadsticks and about half way through the wait he began having a tweaker freak out berating the employees for essentially having a job and demanding free pizza. He deserved to be shown the door.