Aufwiedersehen! Farewell, Dixie Mattress. With the opening of Sweet Hereafter and Straight from New York Pizza the formerly abandoned space, complete with spider-webbed creepy birdcage in the window, has been reclaimed and is open for business.
Passing Sweet Hereafter yesterday I noticed what appeared to be a doorman/bouncer. If this is so, he might be the first on 34th and Belmont ever. Welcome, strong man! Shower often and be kind.
But first let’s get Straight from New York Pizza out of the way. I went there a few weeks ago. They serve up pizza and domestic beer from tap. Nothing fancy: Easy-on-the-palette, hits-the-spot kinda pizza on the greasy side for the die-hard American traditionalist. For $3.50 you can overload on carbohydrates with plenty of bread sticks and marinara.
Parmesan and marinara! Nothing to see here. Moving on to wine, distilled liquor, beers and burgers with a chance at getting laid tonight next door at the Sweet Hereafter. At last there will be drunk, eligible singles in MY neighborhood.
Don’t worry, I know this is tagged under “Food,” and I would tell you about it… but I’m doing a colon cleanse I ordered online. So I asked around, and I was told it was “really good.”
After having my ID checked, I can now confirm: Long-haired dude, casually leaning against the door on a barstool is in fact a bouncer. Is he eligible? I don’t know. What I know so far is: For a Tuesday night, it’s definitely happening in here! Men in aviator sunglasses at the bar, group of single ladies in low cut shirts behind me, skirts are short and beards are long. Tattoos everywhere! And since I’m being ignored at the bar, I have time to go into details: GEEZ LOUIS, IS THIS COUNTER MADE OF MARBLE?!!
(Blinded by marble, suggestive images of HOT Dig a Pony bartenders are playing out in front of my eyes. Oh my, drool, they sure are worth the bus ride.)
Distracted by random thoughts, I get through waiting for my drink. The bartender and I instantly hit it off. “You take PLATINUM credit cards here?” I ask. He replies “Do you want to keep it open?” (Sure I do. Your place or mine?)
But I have to leave the bar. Some girl is giving me the stink eye because her boyfriend can’t stop staring at me. I escape to the patio, which amounts to even more sweaty and sticky, hot and bothered people tucked away behind wood fencing and bamboo plants. You know a place is good when you cannot wait to get home to check I SAW U.
Well now, Sweet Hereafter: You have proven yourself worthy of a bouncer, because you are jam-packed on a Tuesday night and I am officially cheating on Aalto Lounge. I knew it would happen some day, but I just didn’t expect it to be on the same block.
I…I am going to need this post rewritten for non-hipsters. Thanks.
The parts of this post that are actually comprehensible are trashy–and not in any ironic or sarcastically meaningful way. Qualities that are inadvertently revealed about the author seem so desperate and attention-seeking that the reader forgets these are restaurant reviews. It’s just poorly written all-around.
Whoa…intern needs to go to a dark, quiet room. Too many shiny objects. Also, did she just arrive in Portland last weekend?
Dixie Mattress finally gone = YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
I do miss that old hippie pizza joint, though.
WHAT?!? THE BELMONT INN ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? FUCKING HIPSTER, MOVE TO THE PEARL.
This post was a sort of colon cleanse, I think.
@Graham: what’s a hipster?
Not every person who checks your ID is a bouncer. Sometimes it’s just the ID checking dude.
The Belmont Inn used to have bouncers back when they did live music.
@DMITRIR: YOUR MOTHER IS A HIPSTER.
The Belmont Inn STILL has a bouncer. Try going there for a UFC fight someday. You can’t miss him. 😉
I’m glad Mary “The Intern” Hoffmann will have a piece to look back on and “cringe” at her initial Diablo Codyesque “Breezitude.”
Unregistered users all around the posts. You Sir/Madams are all Imbeciles.
INTERN, YOU MAKE ME DO FACEPALM.
I hope this feedback gives our new intern the self-editing experience every good writer utilizes.
Also. Of note. You won’t get laid at sweet hereafter. But you will find a new
Straight from New York & Escape from New York should have a PIZZA OFF! Which one is the most “from New York”?
Also, yeah Mary, you barely reviewed these places. But I see this more as a simple news piece: these places are now here. And she sprinkled it with benign personal tidbits, like, “I’m single and looking” and “I’m over 21” and “I don’t eat much (I’m thin!).” Fine by me.
The Belmont Inn reminds me of Craigslist’s Casual Encounters for people who wear NFL and NBA shirts. In the past when I felt like picking up a guy who’s wearing a band shirt, which isn’t that often now that I’m pushing 30, I’d hit up the Triple Nickel.
@NeverAlone: I guess FACEPALM could be considered exercise.
Sweet Hereafter sounds like a Discomfort Zone place for me – hipsters out the wazoo, and not a mention at all about either the food or drink…
Didn’t Straight From New York allegedly lift Escape From New York’s recipe donkey’s years ago? It’s a Salem hole-in-the-wall joint that has started into a little chain.
Some of you may already know, I am by no means an expert on pizza. Far from New York, in a country where Italians are far and few, there exists a kingdom for frozen pizza: Germany.
But I will say that I like Hotlips.
@Ovidius I can’t confirm the recipe rumor, but I learned that SFNYP it is a chain from Salem.
An important bit to note: Sweet Hereafter’s menu is all vegan. So… not so much on the burgers front.
But when I was there I had a really enormous, spicy, buffalo soy curl sub and a side of kale in coconut sauce, both very tasty. And my friend enjoyed her jerk tofu sandwich. Sandwiches are served with chips and salsa.
Cocktail menu looks pretty good, too. The namesake drink is strong; a great big jar of iced tea and bourbon if I remember correctly, and I’d have another sweet gin julep in a second.
Notes:
1. Sweet Hereafter has the same owners as the Bye & Bye. So not only is menu vegan, but BAR is vegan – meaning, you order a white russian, there’s not going to be dairy in it. So for SE vegans that ride up to Alberta 3x/week just to go to the Bye & Bye (like myself) can rejoice at having this within walking distance.
2. The coconut kale is insane, potato salad is pretty good, the buffalo sub is rad if you’re into buffalo sauce (i’m not but boyfriend is nuts about this sandwich), chickpea salad sammich is a dream (marinated lemons, what??), and I’m dying to try the edamame burger and bahn mi – both which used to be specials at the Bye & Bye and I’ve heard amazing things about. HOWEVER, no brussel sprouts, no ‘meatball’ sub, no floor punch, so I will be going back north to the sister bar quite a bit.
3. Atmosphere is about 100x better than Circa 33. The marble bar is gorgeous and the light fixtures are really interesting.
4. Straight from New York Pizza is a waste of space. For such a prime location, it is such a disappointment to see a crappy pizza joint. I will spend $0 here and hope for a late night dessert shop (Saint Cupcake, why you always closed?), Sizzle Pie III, or an expansion of Sweet Hereafter.
5. I love playing pool at the Belmont Inn.
6. I love Belmont St.
So much haterAIDS…
Also, this article makes it 0-2 on my count.
Sweet Hereafter is owned by the Bye and Bye dudes. IMPORTANT INFORMATION.
dirtymartini’s comment should be pasted into the top of this post. Thank you – yes, that was important information.
Intern! Don’t just make dumb jokes about your credit card with the bartenders; try actually asking them journalistic questions about stuff.
I enjoyed the horndoggy parts of this review! That’s the kind of irreverent writing that I come to the Mercury for.
At the same time, though – commas after introductory clauses, and don’t capitalize after a colon.
” Some girl is giving me the stink eye because her boyfriend can’t stop staring at me.”
I’m calling FUCKING SHENANIGANS! This is clearly Matt Davis writing under an assumed name.
If my previous post seems like I didn’t finish it, that’s because I didn’t. Typing comments on the iPhone is a huge waste of time.
Actually, if the explanatory statement coming after a colon consists of two or more sentences (which it does), one should begin the independent clause immediately after the colon with a capital letter.
@Fruit Cup: That’s OK. But…FIND A NEW WHAT??!?
When did Buffalo become vegan? Just because they walked in front of your truck does not make them vegan.
OMG I’m so glad those flags are gone, and with them all racism everywhere forever.
C&B @4: That’s exactly what I thought. About It’s a Wonderful Pizza, not the mattress place, though I agree that it’s nice that there is something actually happening there that (hopefully) is circulating dollars through the community.
Even if said dollars are filthy with hipster-stink. Goddamn hipsters….I almost wish I knew what hipsters are, so I could hate them all the more.
See what I did there? I bash on hipsters (from the safety of *this* side of my computer screen) AND hold myself aloof from the whole thing (a la “What’s a hipster?”). That way I get to be so super cool by being too cool to bother with being cool. I WIN!
Rumor has it that this “intern” isn’t a journalistic intern. Not at all. Thank God.
Colon cleanses are bullshit.
So, this is the person you got as an intern? Great. I look forward to great works of journalism and cutting edge lifestyle commentary. Or, more insipid vacuous crap like this. But I feel generous, so i’m going to help you out here intern person. Guys with aviator sunglasses are douche bags. You will figure it out at some point. Guys with aviator sunglasses and beards are Huge douchebags. If that is what you’re looking for, great! Please don’t blog it.
Merc style guide says: If a colon precedes a complete sentence, it gets capped.
What does the Merc style guide say about aviator shades and beards?
Merc style guide says: In any list—for example, aviator shades, beards, and tattooed vegans—a comma precedes the coordinating conjunction.
Well, if we’re getting all officious, I’m surpised nobody has yet pointed and shouted down “easy-on-the-palette.” Okay, I will do it: The palate is the sense of taste. The palette is where you mix paint. Boom.
I did not actually understand post 41 (Alison) probably because she is smarter than me, or it’s an inside joke. Or you kids are baking (again).
littering and…..?
Littering and……..?
@Showstopper: Reread the article, pay special attention to the list including aviators and beards, and look for the coordinating conjunction.