We Are Doomed

That’s honestly the only conclusion I could reach after looking at this list of Worst Beverages in America, which includes the following:

Okay. One thing: THAT’S NOT WATER! Water does not taste like agave sweetened melon. It does not have calories. It is two hydrogen atoms bonded covalently to one oxygen atom to form a molecule, WHICH through hydrogen bonds can congregate with other water molecules and possibly make up a lake or a sea or a stream.

While it’s true water may make up the majority of the above beverage, once you’ve added fucking agave and melon and what-not IT CEASES TO BE WATER! For chrissakes our blood is 92% water, but you know what we call it? BLOOD! So stop calling this shit water… Okay? Okay…

…more of the depressing list after the jump… I need a drink…

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1. Worst Beverage in America
Cold Stone PB&C (Gotta Have It size, 24 fl oz)

2,010 calories
131 g fat (68 g saturated)
153 g sugars

Sugar Equivalent: 30 Chewy Chips Ahoy Cookies

In terms of saturated fat, drinking this Cold Stone catastrophe is like slurping up 68 strips of bacon. Health experts recommend capping your saturated fat intake at about 20 grams per day, yet this beverage packs more than three times that into a cup the size of a Chipotle burrito. But here’s what’s worse: No regular shake at Cold Stone, no matter what the size, has fewer than 1,000 calories. If you must drink your ice cream, make it one of the creamery’s “Sinless” options. Otherwise you’d better plan on buying some bigger pants on the way home.

Drink This Instead!

Sinless Oh Fudge Shake (Like It size, 16 fl oz)

18. Worst Energy Drink
Rockstar Energy Drink (1 can, 16 fl oz)

280 calories
0 g fat
62 g sugars

Sugar Equivalent: 6 Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Doughnuts

None of the energy provided by these full-sugar drinks could ever justify the caloric load, but Rockstar’s take is especially frightening. One can provides nearly as much sugar as half a box of Nilla Wafers. In fact, it has 60 more calories than the same amount of Red Bull and 80 more than a can of Monster. If you’re going to guzzle, better choose one of the low-cal options. We like Monster; it offers all the caffeine and B vitamins with just enough sugar to cut through the funky extracts.
Drink This Instead!

Monster Lo-Carb (1 can, 16 fl oz)

16. Worst Soda
Sunkist (1 bottle, 20 fl oz)

320 calories
0 g fat
84 g sugars

Sugar Equivalent: 6 Breyers Oreo Ice Cream Sandwiches

Wait . . . but aren’t all sodas equally terrible? It’s true they all earn 100 percent of their calories from sugar, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still varying levels of atrocity. Despite the perception of healthfulness, fruity sodas tend to carry more sugar than their cola counterparts, and none make that more apparent than the tooth-achingly sweet Sunkist. But what seals the orange soda’s fate on our list of worsts is its reliance on the artificial colors yellow 6 and red 40—two chemicals that may be linked to behavioral and concentration problems in children.
Drink This Instead!

Izze Sparkling Clementine (1 bottle, 12 fl oz)