It seems all the gamers in the world will be playing Grand Theft Auto V this week, a game that continues to corrupt our youths in new and innovative ways. As Nex explains in this week's issue, the new game allows for even more sin and insanity than the prior GTA titles, with activities from terrorist-torturing to acting out the first season of Weedsβ€”you can even apparently spot UFOs and become a conspiracy theorist, because we apparently needed a game for that.

GRAND THEFT AUTO V Please do not attempt a high-speed jet ski chase on the Willamette.
  • GRAND THEFT AUTO V Please do not attempt a high-speed jet ski chase on the Willamette.

What you can't do in the new game is leave "Los Santos" (cough*LA*cough) though β€” a weakness that some folks on Reddit have decided to remedy with a conversation thread titled "Rockstar games introduces GRAND THEFT AUTO VI: PORTLAND." Instead of the Bugattis, helicopters, and submarines GTA V offers, they've limited their version of the game to more "Portland-y" vehicles: Car2Gos, "Multnomah County's only snowplow" and, of course, the ubiquitous Subaru Outback. They're are some great mission ideas, with highlights including: Assassinating a rival food cart owner, "unicycle stunt school," or "a timed mission to place 10 passive aggressive fliers on telephone poles complaining about some local resident not picking up their dog's poop." Genius.

We have our own ideas as well. What do you guys think?

- Busk on Hawthorne until you are discovered by the prominent host of a local open mic night
- Lead a group of people dressed like pirates on a heroic "raid" bar-crawl
- Do Whatever It Takes to find a parking space near the Hollywood Theatre
- Become FourSquare mayor of a Thai restaurant
- Commandeer the RC blimp at a Blazers game and use it to disperse anti-Monsanto leaflets
- Knock down all the tourists in a Voodoo Donut line while riding a tallbike