It seems all the gamers in the world will be playing Grand Theft Auto V this week, a game that continues to corrupt our youths in new and innovative ways. As Nex explains in this week’s issue, the new game allows for even more sin and insanity than the prior GTA titles, with activities from terrorist-torturing to acting out the first season of Weeds—you can even apparently spot UFOs and become a conspiracy theorist, because we apparently needed a game for that.
What you can’t do in the new game is leave “Los Santos” (cough*LA*cough) though — a weakness that some folks on Reddit have decided to remedy with a conversation thread titled “Rockstar games introduces GRAND THEFT AUTO VI: PORTLAND.” Instead of the Bugattis, helicopters, and submarines GTA V offers, they’ve limited their version of the game to more “Portland-y” vehicles: Car2Gos, “Multnomah County’s only snowplow” and, of course, the ubiquitous Subaru Outback. They’re are some great mission ideas, with highlights including: Assassinating a rival food cart owner, “unicycle stunt school,” or “a timed mission to place 10 passive aggressive fliers on telephone poles complaining about some local resident not picking up their dog’s poop.” Genius.
We have our own ideas as well. What do you guys think?
– Busk on Hawthorne until you are discovered by the prominent host of a local open mic night
– Lead a group of people dressed like pirates on a heroic “raid” bar-crawl
– Do Whatever It Takes to find a parking space near the Hollywood Theatre
– Become FourSquare mayor of a Thai restaurant
– Commandeer the RC blimp at a Blazers game and use it to disperse anti-Monsanto leaflets
– Knock down all the tourists in a Voodoo Donut line while riding a tallbike
Passive-aggressive disdain of video games is really annoying. I’m an adult with a job, if I want to spend an hour tonight driving a car around fake LA instead of going to see a movie and you think that’s silly, cool. I’ll be enjoying my fake LA while you are being annoying.
Pick up the Mercury, read “Maakies” and ogle the latest American Apparel ad, toss paper aside.
Making stupid and pointless lists to try and show how much disdain we have for stupid and pointless lists. Bonus points for extreme navel gazing about the NYTs coverage of artisinal lists that locals stopped using a year ago.
Your car arrives at an intersection. A pedestrian half a block away may wish to cross the street at some point. A streetcar two blocks away might cross your path at some point. A bicyclist is in a lane beside you looking smug. Ten cars are behind you waiting for your decision. How long do you wait to make the turn? What helpless gestures to you make to indicate your total lack of control?
I came into the comments to tell everyone that Angela is our new videogame blogger and to calm down because she’s not shitting on your hobby, but then I remembered that she
can handle herself. http://www.themarysue.com/a-love-song-for-…
Oh, Oh! I can do this one. I’m in… I’M GAME!
-Produce A Sketch Comedy Show Making Fun of Portland!
-Start an All-Ages Concert Venue! Watch it Fail Miserably!
-Burn the Vegan Mall to the Ground!
Welcome (Back to) the Blogtown Sandbox.
-Meet your weed hook up in the parking lot of a Denny’s next to the freeway and transfer 40 pounds of chronic vacuum sealed inside IKEA furniture boxes to your trunk without arousing the suspicions of the off duty cop that just pulled in from taking his family to a Sunday school bible recital. Deliver the “product” to Dreddy Mike in the heart of Gresham six blocks from Burnside without getting jacked by Latino gangbangers. Make sure DM comes correct with all “paperwork” and don’t let his bitch ass slide on a few G’s until next Tuesday.
Insane Stunt Jump: Pittock Mansion
Get Blabby to RIDE A BIKE
Wait in Line for Lincoln. Get bored. Wait in Line for Tasty N’ Sons. Get bored. Wait in line for Salt n’ Straw. Get Bored. Steal a biodiesel car and do a high speed (20mph) rampage through Laurelhurst Park.
@Alison & Angela, I apologize and was not trolling; there are a lot of dismissive comments in the media about games and especially lately due to a high profile title which allows you to commit horrendous criminal acts.
Please take this shovel away from me so I can’t further dig myself downward.
– something something HUMP.
Grand Theft Fixie – Portland.
— Be a server or barista and ignore customers. More points for the longest you ignore them without them walking out. Sorta like the opposite of Tapper.
— Ride your fixie drunk, at night, without lights, against traffic, with earphones on.
— Be a white person and put the ethnic food cart owner out of business by selling the same food, only more expensive.
— Be a rich Pearlie and have the police use clubs and pepper spray to get homeless people out of your neighborhood.
— Be a Nazi and rise in the police force. Wait…that’s Portland – Real Life.