Maybe I haven't been spent enough time in classless bars, but I was only recently exposed to MegaTouch Live machines. How did nobody tell me about this low-point in human culture?

Megatouch is an arcade-like game cabinet for sad, lonely men who don't have iPhones. The machines offer a bizarre mix of smart phone game rip offs and ancient newspaper puzzles all on a laggy, outdated interface. In a world with so much fun available at your fingertips, it's a dinosaur. But the worst part is the way it constantly advertises itself: when it's alone, it's a groan-inducing, sexually aggressive dinosaur.

While it's not being played (99% of the time, as far as I can tell), it cycles through a series of game previews, inexplicably sexual images, and terrible jokes. The sexual stuff is so confusing; none of this makes me want to pay $1 to play mah-jong. And the number of slides like this just makes the whole machine feel sad. Like it's constantly yelling at you across the bar "Hey! Wanna play Irritated Eagles? No? Here's a cartoon porn star. How about now?"


The jokes are just as bad. Like somebody split an email forward from the 90s into a slide show.


I hope they didn't pull a muscle going through the motions on that one. It's hard to imagine less effort being put into a joke.


Mega-touche. That is WAY less effort. There isn't even an attempt at a joke here, just a mention of a sad thing and an unrelated image.

The good news is Megatouch went out of business in January. The bad news is that doesn't mean they ceased to exist. Their garbage machines are still bolted to bars around the city, just now the bar owners suckered into buying them can't count on tech support.