Even though I featured the official poster for the Tekken film less than two weeks ago, there’s been a piece of my brain that is convinced that this entire thing just doesn’t exist. Maybe some exec at Namco Bandai got jealous that Street Fighter has two films to its name so during a round of golf at Koganei Country golf club with Capcom’s board of directors he “accidentally” mentioned an upcoming Tekken film.
“Oh?” they would inquire, to which the Namco Bandai exec — who has now grown flushed — would stammer, “Yes, and it’s excellent! It’s got, um … Jin, and Eddie, and …”
“Yoshimitsu?” guesses Capcom’s CFO, snickering at the thought of the cybernetic ninja on film.
“Yes!” shouts the man from Namco Bandai. “Yoshimitsu!” he repeats, refusing to back down from his boast.
At this point the antiquated honor system still entrenched in the boardrooms of Tokyo demands that the man either produce this otherwise fictional film or eviscerate himself via seppuku. Being a coward, he rushes back to his office, makes a few calls, and suddenly the world of film is plus one Iron Fist Tournament. Behold:
And, true to his word, the film features Yoshimitsu. Sigh.
That was, umm, really bad. My eyes are bleeding now, a lot.
I don’t understand why there would ever be a movie based on a fighting game. It pretty much has to be about a martial arts tournament, or be completely preposterous, or both. Couldn’t they just take all the cut scenes from Metal Gear Solid and put them together and call it a movie? It would probably be way more watchable.
Where’s Panda?
I’m with Graham on this one. No Panda, no watch. Even that robot would do.