Given my past 20-plus years of gaming habits, I should be excited about Microsoft’s new Xbox, even if it does have a dumb name. But now that they’ve started releasing info about their new console, Microsoft has done a phenomenal job demonstrating all the reasons I don’t want an Xbox One. (Yes. “Xbox One.” See? Dumb.) After over a decade of playing nearly all my games on one Xbox or another, it’s looking like the Xbox One (UGGGHGH) will be the thing that finally makes me abandon the platform. Wheee! Let’s take a look at some of the Xbox One’s exciting features!
• Microsoft has made it a huge pain in the ass to lend or borrow games, because why would people want to try something out instead of just coughing up $60
• Microsoft has made it practically impossible for the used game market, such as it is, to continue—because while buying and selling used games is be a huge boon for consumers, publishers are inexplicably terrified of them
• Do you like being online? Great! The Xbox One has to be connected to the internet all the time—because Microsoft wants to check in on you every 24 hours to make sure you aren’t doing anything they don’t approve of, you goddamn thief
• Speaking of online, don’t forget you’ll still need to buy Xbox Live—that’s $60 a year—to play online multiplayer, get called a faggot by screeching 12-year-old Halo junkies, or use a lot of the features the Xbox One is touting
• Do you enjoy being watched? Perfect! Because the mandatory Kinect will always be watching and listening, learning all of your deepest and creepiest secrets, because how could anyone be even slightly uncomfortable with that given Microsoft’s wacky PRISM-related hobbies
• Do you like your Xbox 360 games? Better keep that Xbox 360 around! Otherwise, fuck the money you spent on those games, fuck backwards compatibility, and fuck you
• As proudly announced at E3, getting to experience all of the above will cost you a mere FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS
• Xbox One contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at
No tech is perfect. Whether it’s the iPhone or the Kindle or the current Xbox, there are no shortage of practical and ethical constraints slathered all over our devices—nearly all of which come down to companies restricting our rights as consumers. But—at least right now—it’s looking like the Xbox One will take those restrictions to a new level. As Chris Plante at Polygon notes,
After a month of vague corporate comments from Microsoft executives, we now know the Xbox One’s game licensing policy was written from the ground up for companies. It’s aggressively anti-consumer and anti-middle class, and it outright ignores underprivileged gamers. It’s gross, despicable, greedy, pathetic, cowardly and out of touch with a growing global resentment for corporations. (Via.)
Sony has yet to release details on how their PlayStation 4 is going to handle these issues, but I hope they’re watching Microsoft’s faceplants. And laughing.
Sounds pretty terrible.
All those negatives you mention don’t have any effect on me. I haven’t bought a used game in years. And don’t even get me started on the type of person who would be paranoid by the kinect monitoring their every move.
The fucking gaming community is terrible.
Warning- Do not taunt XBox One
Maybe this is a bit off-topic, but when and why was playing video games all day given near-legitimacy by labeling those who do as “gamers” instead of continuing to refer to them by the not-broken and much more accurate phrase: “sloppy asses who play video games all day”??
And, yes, i grew up playing them; and, no, i’m not old (pushing my mid-thirties). But somehow i grew out of them. And even if i hadn’t and still played for hours a day, i still wouldn’t be able to refer to myself as “a gamer” with a straight face anymore than i would be able to seriously refer to myself as “a mono-pleasurist” instead of a “disgusting monkey-pig-dog who can’t keep his hands off himself” if i were into jerking off for 6 hours every single night.
When Fable 4 comes out, will I only be able to play it on the new X-Box, or can I still use my faithful 360?
Yeah I have no qualms with the “used game market” taking a shitdive, considering the company I won’t name that has all but cornered that market treats their employees like dog shit. Personally, I’m all for content going to fully digital download, and hope that eventually the consoles head down that road.