They See Me Rollin’ D6s, They Hatin’

You have stagnated. Your convenient neighborhood pub, trendy-but-predictable social circle, and 9-to-5 data-entry job (“Ugh, I’m old and 22 and sooo done with employment”) fail to intrigue, to inspire, to stir those rusty noggin-cogs something, well, imaginative. Yeah, you dig a good book, but you’re also social! Video games are awesome for, like, high schoolers, but you’re sick of drinking alone and crying softly to yourself and playing Halo.

Listen, I know. That’s actually why I play Dungeons & Dragons. No shit. Listen, though: What you’re picturing is some girl wrapped in braces, covered in festering pimples, and drowning in a faded wolf t-shirt. You’re wrong. Most of the D&D players I’ve encountered are perfectly well-adjusted, charismatic individuals who are just plain bored of the same old parties ‘n’ bullshit. It’s, like, not that interesting to watch some jackass shotgun a PBR and, frankly, your friends are too stoned to even say anything anymore.

Thus, we grab a few six-packs, take up our swords and staffs and flaming double orc axes, and have a freakin’ ball. Sitting around a table crowded with snacks, we reason through a storyline determined by the dungeon master (typically some sadistic bastard with a sharp wit and enchanting storytelling capabilities). We dream up characters clad in chain mail, dimwittedly fighting in the name of some god or ones evil, chaotic, and malicious, toting Nipple Clamps of Exquisite Pain (immunity to pain effects bonus) and terrorizing any helpless child in our path. I love playing a sassy sorceress, wrapping trolls in some magically-woven spider web, and setting them on fire (lol@intern, but it’s not like the Mercury hasn’t written pro-D&D articles before).

I lost you, didn’t I? Let’s start over. Normal people play D&D and, since you want to meet new people and exercise some of that latent creativity, you can start playing, too. Hobby shops all around Portland will be receiving Dungeons & Dragons Encounters: Dark Legacy of Evard (yeah, I lost you again…) in 6 days. It’s D&D for busy, ordinary people like you.

This version of D&D targets new players and is tailored around the lives of normal people who wouldn’t be opposed to heading over to their nearest hobby shop, spending two hours around the table with some enthusiastic strangers, and, together, interlacing customizable strings of a plot into a dynamic tale— a tale they’ll likely find even more fascinating than many books they’ve read. Bridgetown Hobbies in NE, Guardian Games in SE, Red Castle Games in SE, Other Worlds Games in SW, and Fiction Addiction in Kenton are all local stores receiving and hosting sessions; new players are always appreciated.

Call your nearest store and ask what’s up. Most of them will want you to create a character beforehand, but hobby shop employees are always super sweet and will point you in the right direction. (And don’t you dare be intimidated by all the Magic: The Gathering and Warhammer paraphernalia—thats all a waaaayy different story.)

Yeah, the rules are tough, but it only takes patience. While there’s a dauntingly enormous amount of literature on the game, very little of it applies to new players. Often, n00bs start out rapping on a storyline, just adding complexity to a character. The combat rules are hard to grasp at first, but you’ve learned plenty of complicated games that pay off tenfold a few hours later.

You can snicker and you can jeer, but, truthfully, D&D players probably have a lot more fun than you do when you’re discussing whether Susan’s feather earrings match her dye job/septum piercing. Hanging out and being forced into ingenuity is totally an ideal leisure pursuit—especially when coupled with a few drinks and some good company. It’s a great way to meet new people and, actually, you’d be surprised how many of your friends have probably already played.