"Goodness, the feel of cellophane tape on my nether circuits is so… so… erotic."

As long as you’re buying bullshit anyway, here are three suggested gifts from my “Complete List of Gifts That Should Be Bought For Me, Okay? List, Unabridged and Annotated.” And surprise! They are Star Wars related and 100% real.

Goodness, the feel of cellophane tape on my nether circuits is so”¦ so”¦ erotic.
  • “Goodness, the feel of cellophane tape on my nether circuits is so… so… erotic.”

The C-3PO Cellophane Tape Dispenser!

Yes, I know Jar Jar is annoying... but oh. The things he does with his tongue.
  • Yes, I know Jar Jar is annoying… but oh. The things he does with his tongue.

The Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongue!

Actually, these are for my 12-year-old girlfriend.
  • Actually, these are for my 12-year-old girlfriend.

Princess Leia Underoos!

For more freaky and disturbingly sexual Star Wars toys, check out the amazing Star Wars: 1,000 Collectibles: Memorabilia and Stories from a Galaxy Far, Far Away coffee table book, on sale now at Amazon.com!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)